Bathroom Line Politics
“We Had Order. Then She Introduced Spreadsheets.”
What began as a normal wait for the porta-potties at the Tumbleweed Tunes Festival in Nevada quickly descended into chaos after 29-year-old logistics consultant Dana Feldman introduced a point-based bathroom queuing system she called “P3: Pee Priority Protocol.”
“It’s simple,” Dana explained. “Points awarded for urgency, hydration levels, number of beverages consumed, and visible discomfort. Bonus points for sequins or rompers with complex removal systems.”
Festivalgoers initially embraced the concept. Then came disputes. One woman argued her glitter pants trumped another’s belly dancer skirt. A man claimed to be “sweating out a Moscow Mule emergency.”
As tensions rose, someone produced a megaphone. Someone else tried to unionize the front half of the line. Two porta-potties were renamed “Express Relief” and “Bladder Justice.”
Security intervened after a spreadsheet appeared on a whiteboard and someone attempted to charge “pee taxes.”
Dana defended the experiment. “People need structure. Especially when dancing, drinking, and desperately clenching.”
She’s since launched a consulting firm for festival logistics and is crowdfunding an app called *Queue4U.*
Festival organizers now offer porta-potties labeled: “Standard,” “No Math,” and “Dana-Free Zone.”
Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.
