“Good Vibes Only” Cults
“She Said Her Mat Was Slippery. We Couldn’t Risk That Energy.”
TranquilBloom Collective, a new-age wellness group known for its pastel robes and aggressive optimism, has come under fire after expelling a member for expressing “faint unease” during hot yoga. “She said her back hurt,” said founder Lani Sunwhisper. “That’s how it starts. First discomfort, then doubt, then frown lines.”
The group’s motto, *Good Vibes Only or Goodbye*, is painted above every crystal-drenched room. Members must maintain a Smile Score above 92% and attend mandatory daily affirmation recitals called “Glow Circles.”
Former member Dana was asked to leave after groaning while trying to hold an eagle pose. “They sprayed me with citrus mist and whispered ‘negativity begone’ until I cried,” she said.
Inside sources reveal additional punishments for “vibe treason” include glitter isolation, vision board revocation, and being temporarily renamed “Eeyore.”
Despite backlash, TranquilBloom is expanding. They’re opening a juice bar called *Chakra Shots* and selling T-shirts that say “No Trauma Talk After Tuesday.”
Dana has joined a rival group: RealFeelz, where sighing is encouraged and mats come with tiny complaint pillows.
Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.
