Juice Cleanses
Pressed and Possessed
After 72 hours of consuming nothing but beetroot-turmeric shots and cold-pressed celery, local software engineer Brad Klein began channeling what he described as “the sacred citrus dimension.”
The Ascension
Witnesses say Brad stood on a compost bin wearing only a towel and shouted, “I have seen the pulp of truth!”
Side Effects
Symptoms included dizziness, kale-induced fever dreams, and a firm belief that kiwis whisper divine secrets during REM sleep.
Nutritionist’s View
“Juice cleanses detox your dignity more than your body,” said Dr. Clementine Voss. “You’re not purifying your soul–just overhydrating your delusions.”
Conclusion
Brad has returned to solid foods and now speaks only in smoothie metaphors. He’s considering starting a cult or a podcast–whichever gets more likes.