Organic, gluten-free, keto, paleo, non-GMO, artisanal water

Artisanal Water: Now with Less Water and More Branding

Now Hydrating: Liquid Pretentiousness

Welcome to the era of luxury hydration–where water isn’t just water. It’s organic, gluten-free, locally sourced from the emotional tears of ethically raised clouds.

Funny Evidence from the H2-Overboard Crowd

One boutique sold “hand-harvested spring water” bottled by a man named Sage who only wears hemp sandals. It was $14.99 and came with a spiritual disclaimer.

Quote from a Liquid Lifestyle Guru

“This water aligns with my chakras,” said Aqua Marie, sipping from a crystal-infused jug labeled “mindfully filtered by the moon.”

Satirical Snapshot

Brands now advertise water that’s “free-range” and “zero-kill.” Some even promise their hydration is “divorced from capitalism”–for $22 a bottle, plus tip.

Conclusion: It’s Water. Drink It, Don’t Write a Memoir About It

We love staying hydrated. But unless it was blessed by a hydration priest in a fjord, maybe just drink from the tap and call it a day.

For more overpriced absurdity, pour your irony into bohiney.com