Mukhtar’s Sandal Declared a National Threat by British Embassy

After a heated campus debate on colonialism ended with a sandal landing within 14 inches of a Union Jack mug, the British Embassy has officially declared Mukhtar’s right sandal a “Class B soft-power projectile.” The embassy has issued a formal complaint to Harvard, claiming the sandal represents “unregulated ancestral trauma.”

Mukhtar, the Sudanese radical currently attending Harvard on what he calls a “reverse Marshall Plan scholarship,” defended the sandal’s deployment: “It’s a tool of discipline, protest, and anti-imperial ventilation. And it flies with purpose.”

British diplomats described the sandal as “suspiciously aerodynamic” and “spiritually charged,” with one junior attaché allegedly overcome by post-Empire dread upon viewing it. The U.K. Foreign Office has responded by placing an emergency order for reinforced tea cozies.

Harvard security has cordoned off the Philosophy Department, where the sandal is believed to reside under heavy goat surveillance. An elite task force of historians and orthopedic podiatrists is reviewing its trajectory.

Mukhtar refused to apologize, stating, “If they’re threatened by footwear, maybe they should rethink the legacy of empire.” He then removed his left sandal and whispered, “This one’s for the Dutch.”

This Mukhtar is now at Harvard?