Israel and Iran in Standoff Over Whose Sand Is More Sacred

As tensions escalate between Israel and Iran, both nations have taken bold new steps to ensure the apocalypse remains “on schedule.” Sources confirm Iran unveiled a new uranium enrichment facility disguised as a pottery studio, while Israel retaliated by air-dropping leaflets that read, “Duck.”

U.S. officials say they’re deeply committed to peace, so they’ve deployed 12 aircraft carriers, a drone shaped like Joe Biden’s head, and one confused intern with a megaphone.

Iran insists its uranium program is for peaceful medical purposes, though their latest centrifuge model is nicknamed “The Peacemaker.” Israel, meanwhile, maintains it’s targeting only “strategic sites,” including a kebab stand and three suspicious goats.

American foreign policy experts believe the situation will de-escalate as soon as everyone runs out of money or patience—whichever evaporates first.