Dear Bohiney: My Boyfriend Still Has a Wife—Should I Cut Things Off?

Red Flags So Obvious, They Should Come With Sirens

By Shirley U. Jest

When Love Comes With a Plus-One (That You Didn’t Sign Up For)

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the relationship Olympics, where our contestant today has just discovered that she’s competing in a marriage triathlon she didn’t even register for. In today’s episode of “This Is Why We Read the Fine Print,” a woman has written to Dear Abby with a very simple yet mind-boggling dilemma:

“Dear Abby, my boyfriend still has a wife. Should I cut things off?”

Well, it depends. How committed are you to collecting red flags like they’re airline miles? Because at this rate, you’ll qualify for a free vacation to Heartbreak Island in no time.

The Unclaimed Baggage of Love

If your boyfriend forgot to mention he still has a wife, you might want to check if he also forgot to mention any additional spouses, secret families, or offshore bank accounts. You know, just the usual things people forget—like paying the cable bill or the fact that they’re legally bound to another person in holy matrimony.

It’s like ordering a single cheeseburger at McDonald’s and finding out it comes with extra cheese, fries, and an entire farm of cattle you weren’t expecting.

And while we’re at it—let’s address the wording here: “Still” has a wife? Was there a clearance sale on marriages you thought he was taking advantage of? The word “still” implies that you thought this problem would resolve itself, like when you leave old leftovers in the fridge and hope they just disappear.

Spoiler alert: They don’t.

Love or Litigation?

Ladies, before entering a relationship, it’s important to ask a few key questions upfront:

1. Are you emotionally available?
2. Do you see a future with me?
3. Are you currently married to someone else?!

It’s a basic question. Right up there with “Do you like pineapple on pizza?” or “Are you a serial killer?” But somehow, men treat their marital status like a social security number—only to be disclosed under extreme duress.

Even the IRS asks fewer personal questions than this man!

The Excuses Men Make

Now, if your boyfriend is anything like other Olympic-level deceivers, he probably has a list of ready-made excuses to explain why his wife is still around. Let’s review some of the greatest hits:

• “We’re only married on paper.”
  (Translation: “I still need her health insurance.”)
• “We’re waiting for the right time to separate.”
  (Translation: “I’m waiting to see if I can get away with both relationships at once.”)
• “She knows about you, and she’s okay with it.”
  (Translation: “She knows about you, and she’s hiring a divorce lawyer.”)
• “I’m only staying for the kids.”
  (Translation: “The kids are actually in college, but it still sounds noble.”)
• “It’s complicated.”
  (Translation: “I’m about to make your life very, very complicated.”)

If a man tells you “it’s complicated” and the situation doesn’t involve a quadratic equation or assembling IKEA furniture, RUN.

What’s the Endgame Here?

At this point, you have three options:

1. Stay and wait. (Risk level: High—like adopting a pet alligator and hoping it never bites.)
2. Set an ultimatum. (Risk level: Medium—if you enjoy watching a man sweat bullets like he’s testifying before Congress.)
3. Leave immediately. (Risk level: Low—except for the emotional baggage you’ll be hauling away like a contestant on Divorce Court.)

Honestly, your best bet is to walk away while you still have your dignity, your sanity, and a clean criminal record. Because sticking around might just turn you into an accomplice.

The Verdict: Cut Him Off Like a Discount Coupon

Abby didn’t need to answer this one, because we all already know the right response:

Yes, you should cut things off. Immediately. Without hesitation. Like a bad haircut.

This is not a 7-day free trial relationship that you can test out before making a commitment. This is a married man trying to have his cake and eat it too—except the cake is a ticking time bomb, and you’re about to be collateral damage.

So, to the woman who wrote in: run faster than a husband hiding his wedding ring at a singles bar.

Bonus: Relationship Red Flags Checklist

Before entering any relationship, please perform the following mandatory safety checks:

✅ Is he married?
✅ Does he still have a wife?
✅ Has he mentioned a pending divorce for over five years?
✅ Does he only text you at weird hours like 3 AM or during his “golf weekends”?
✅ Do you feel like you’re starring in an episode of Maury?

If you checked any of the above boxes, congratulations! You have discovered a walking, talking Red Flag Factory. Please exit immediately, and don’t forget to take your self-respect with you.

When You’re the Side Dish on a Full Dinner Plate

Ah, modern romance. It used to be that a woman’s biggest concern in dating was whether her boyfriend was emotionally available. Now, it’s whether he’s legally unavailable due to an active marriage.

One poor soul wrote to Dear Abby with the kind of problem that makes you wish common sense came in pill form:

“Dear Abby, my boyfriend still has a wife. Should I cut things off?”

That’s like asking if you should jump out of a car that’s already on fire and heading toward a cliff. There is only one correct answer here, and it’s RUN—preferably faster than his wife’s divorce attorney can draft legal papers.

Red Flags So Big They Can Be Seen From Space

If you suspect your boyfriend is still legally attached to another woman, here’s a helpful list of signs that confirm you’re not in a relationship—you’re in a scandal waiting to be exposed.

His Idea of Date Night Is a Hotel Parking Lot

If every romantic evening involves sitting in his car, watching Netflix on his phone, you’re not dating a man—you’re dating a fugitive. Unless he’s in the Witness Protection Program (which, let’s be honest, he probably should be), he’s hiding something.

Three pieces of evidence:

• He refuses to meet you anywhere that takes reservations.
• He panics whenever the valet asks for his name.
• He refers to “room service” as “whatever fits in the glove compartment.”

 “Dating a married man is like shopping at Goodwill—you think you’re getting a bargain, but deep down, you know someone else wore it first.” — Wanda Sykes

His Phone Is Always on “Do Not Disturb”

This man’s phone is more locked down than Fort Knox during a heist. He doesn’t even check his notifications—probably because half of them say “Where are you?” and the other half say “We need to talk.”

Three pieces of evidence:

• He has his ringer off 24/7, claiming “I just don’t like noise.”
• He never answers a call in front of you, but mysteriously excuses himself to “check the weather” every 20 minutes.
• His voicemail greeting is just two seconds of static followed by silence.

“When a guy says he’s ‘technically still married,’ that’s like saying you’re ‘technically not on fire’ while standing in a burning building.” — Jerry Seinfeld

He Only Texts Between 11 PM and 5 AM

If his texting habits resemble those of a nocturnal raccoon, it’s probably because his wife is asleep when you exist.

Three pieces of evidence:

• His messages read like a bad thriller novel: “Hey. Can’t talk. Miss you. Talk soon.”
• If you text him at 2 PM, he replies at midnight with an “oops, just saw this”—like time travel is an excuse.
• You ask why he can’t talk at normal hours, and he says, “I work weird shifts.” Yeah, the shift from one relationship to another.

 “If your boyfriend still has a wife, congrats—you’re not his girlfriend, you’re just an unpaid intern in his failing marriage.” — Ali Wong

He Panics Every Time You Take a Selfie Together

If taking a casual Instagram photo makes him sweat like he’s testifying before Congress, he’s not your man—he’s an identity theft victim avoiding detection.

Three pieces of evidence:

• He insists on “no face pics” like he’s some kind of celebrity.
• He refuses to be tagged in anything, even if it’s just a picture of a plate of pasta.
• The one time you did sneak a photo, he lunged across the table like he was defusing a bomb.

“Ladies, if your man won’t introduce you to his friends, his family, or his landlord, you’re not his soulmate—you’re his tax write-off.” — Chris Rock

You’ve Never Seen His House. Ever.

You’ve been dating for six months, and this man’s home address remains a mystery. Is he living with his wife? Is he a wizard who teleports everywhere? Nobody knows.

Three pieces of evidence:

• He only meets you at your place.
• He claims his house is “under construction” for over a year.
• His mail is addressed to someone named Linda, who is definitely his wife.

“Being with a married man is like being a vegetarian at a barbecue—you think you have options, but in reality, you’re just waiting for disappointment.” — Sarah Silverman

His Wedding Ring Magically Vanishes Every Morning

Some men wear a ring as a sign of commitment. Others wear it like a costume accessory—easily removed when needed.

Three pieces of evidence:

• His ring “fell off” more times than a cheap sticker.
• He swears it’s “just an old habit.”
• One time, you spotted a faint tan line on his ring finger, and he blamed “too much sun exposure.”

“When a guy says, ‘We’re just together for the kids,’ what he really means is, ‘I can’t afford two child support payments.’” — Kevin Hart

Final Thought: Get Out Now

If you’re sitting there reading this and realizing your boyfriend checks every single box, you have two options:

1. Run like the wind.
2. Wait until his wife finds out and lets her handle it.

Either way, this is not a man looking for love—this is a man looking to live rent-free in two women’s lives.

And remember: If you even have to ask, “Should I cut things off?” you already know the answer.

“If a man is still married but says it’s ‘complicated,’ let me translate: ‘I want a divorce, but she has the WiFi password.’” — Tina Fey

When You’re the Other Woman—and Didn’t Get the Memo

Romance is supposed to be about butterflies and candlelit dinners, not legal loopholes and property settlements. But modern dating is a minefield, and for some unlucky souls, the biggest red flag isn’t a lack of commitment—it’s that their boyfriend still has a wife.

One poor woman, seemingly trapped in a daytime soap opera, recently wrote to Dear Abby:

“Dear Abby, my boyfriend still has a wife. Should I cut things off?”

Ma’am, that’s not a Dear Abby question—that’s a 911 call waiting to happen. If you even have to ask, the only thing you should be cutting off is all contact with this man.

Wanda Sykes once compared dating a married man to shopping at Goodwill: “You think you’re getting a bargain, but deep down, you know someone else wore it first.” And yet, some women still find themselves unknowingly participating in a marriage triathlon they never signed up for.

If you suspect your significant other is still legally, emotionally, or spiritually bound to another woman, here are 15 undeniable signs that you’re not his girlfriend—you’re his affair.

Red Flags So Obvious, They Should Come With Sirens

My Boyfriend Still Has a Wife—Should I Cut Things Off?

Some red flags in relationships are subtle—a weird gut feeling, a hesitation in his voice. But dating a married man? That’s less of a red flag and more of a blaring siren with flashing lights and a police escort.

If he only texts at weird hours, panics when you take a selfie, and treats your relationship like a classified CIA mission, congratulations! You’re not his girlfriend—you’re his alibi.

Still haven’t seen his house? That’s because there’s another woman’s name on the mailbox.

Does his wedding ring keep mysteriously disappearing? That’s not a magic trick—it’s a cover-up.

If he dodges public outings, social media, and direct questions, it’s because he’s already committed—to someone else.

Bottom line? If your boyfriend’s relationship status is more complicated than a tax return, it’s time to file your own single status and run.

1. His Idea of a Romantic Date Night Is a Hotel Parking Lot

If the closest thing to fine dining you’ve had is drive-thru tacos in the backseat of his car, then congratulations—your relationship is being run out of a motor vehicle.

Jerry Seinfeld once joked that when a guy says he’s “technically still married,” it’s like saying, “I’m technically not on fire” while standing in a burning building. The real question isn’t whether he still has a wife—the question is, how much insurance fraud is he committing on the side?

2. His Phone Is Always on “Do Not Disturb”

A man who refuses to answer calls in front of you is either:
A) Hiding a deep, dark secret, or
B) Working for the CIA.

And let’s be honest—he’s not working for the CIA.

If his phone habits resemble those of a fugitive on the run, you’re not his soulmate—you’re his alibi.

3. He Only Texts Between 11 PM and 5 AM

You know who sends texts exclusively at midnight?

• Vampires.
• Burglars.
• Married men trying to sneak in a second relationship before their wife wakes up.

Ali Wong summed it up best: “If your boyfriend still has a wife, congrats—you’re not his girlfriend, you’re just an unpaid intern in his failing marriage.”

4. He Panics Every Time You Take a Selfie Together

The second your phone camera comes out, this man starts moving like he’s dodging sniper fire.

Chris Rock once said, “If your man won’t introduce you to his friends, his family, or his landlord, you’re not his soulmate—you’re his tax write-off.” If he’s more afraid of social media than federal prison, it’s because he’s hiding something—or someone.

5. You’ve Never Seen His House. Ever.

It’s been six months, and you still haven’t set foot inside his home? Either he’s:
A) Running an illegal gambling ring, or
B) Sharing a mortgage with a woman who has no idea you exist.

Sarah Silverman once quipped, “Being with a married man is like being a vegetarian at a barbecue—you think you have options, but in reality, you’re just waiting for disappointment.” If his home is a state secret, it’s because his marriage isn’t as “over” as he claims.

6. His Wedding Ring Magically Vanishes Every Morning

Some men remove their wedding rings to lift weights or wash their hands. Others remove them because they don’t want to explain why their “single” status comes with a legally bound plus-one.

Kevin Hart nailed it when he said, “When a guy says, ‘We’re just together for the kids,’ what he really means is, ‘I can’t afford two child support payments.’”

7. He Refers to His Wife as His “Roommate”

Gentlemen, let’s be clear: if you share a bed, a mortgage, and a last name—it’s not a roommate situation, it’s a marriage.

This is the same guy who will tell you:

• “We live together, but we’re like, emotionally separated.”
• “It’s just a financial arrangement.”
• “She knows about you, and she’s okay with it.”

Newsflash: No, she doesn’t.

8. He Gets Suspiciously Nervous About Relationship Statuses

Tina Fey once translated “It’s complicated” into its true meaning: “I want a divorce, but she has the WiFi password.”

If your boyfriend breaks into a cold sweat when you ask to change your Facebook status to “In a Relationship,” it’s because he already has a legal status that says ‘Married.’

9. He Treats Your Relationship Like a Witness Protection Program

He doesn’t:

• Introduce you to his friends.
• Let you post photos together.
• Take you anywhere he might be recognized by someone with shared bank accounts.

John Mulaney put it best: “The best way to find out if your boyfriend has a wife? Wait until tax season—because Uncle Sam doesn’t let you file ‘Single’ when you’re living a double life.”

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