Abnormally Cold Weather Forecast for Trump’s Inauguration: Scientists Blame Climate Change, Liberals Blame Karma
Trump is the only person who can get frostbite and still claim it’s ‘fake news.’
By Chilly McFreezeington, Bohiney.com Senior Meteorologist and Iceberg Relocation Specialist
The Coldest Inauguration Since… Last Time Trump Was Sworn In
Meteorologists are forecasting abnormally frigid temperatures for Donald Trump’s upcoming inauguration, with wind chills expected to make Washington, D.C., feel like Moscow in February. Experts say this could be the coldest presidential inauguration in history, which is fitting, since Trump himself has a history of freezing out people he doesn’t like.
“I don’t know if it’s global warming or global chilling,” said one Trump supporter shivering in line for tickets. “All I know is, this inauguration is going to be huge. And cold. Huge and cold. Like the reception I got when I told my wife I was voting for Trump again.”
- “It’s so cold, even the political hot air in D.C. can’t keep anyone warm.” – Stephen Colbert
- “This is the only time in history that ‘frozen assets’ refers to the entire front row of donors.” – Jimmy Kimmel
- “Trump wanted record-breaking numbers, and he got them—just in negative temperatures instead of crowd size.” – Trevor Noah
Cold Front or Cold War? Russia Denies Involvement
The arctic blast set to hit the nation’s capital is expected to send temperatures plunging, leading some to wonder if Vladimir Putin is behind this, ensuring that Trump gets the Russia treatment one more time before taking office. The Kremlin has denied responsibility for the weather, stating, “We only interfere in elections, not in meteorology.”
Meanwhile, the Biden administration suggested that the deep freeze is merely a reflection of the icy relationship between Trump and the D.C. establishment. “It’s poetic,” said one Democratic staffer. “The temperature is plummeting just like my faith in democracy.”
- “A Russian cold front invading D.C.? Finally, Putin sends something over that doesn’t involve kompromat.” – Seth Meyers
- “Meteorologists are calling it an ‘arctic blast,’ but Trump’s calling it ‘perfect weather—some are saying the best weather ever!’” – John Oliver
- “It’s so cold, even Putin had to put his shirt back on.” – James Corden
Al Gore Spotted Screaming “I Told You So” at a Snowdrift
As temperatures dip below freezing, climate activists are using the occasion to remind Americans that climate change does not only mean warming—it means extreme weather of all kinds. However, Trump supporters counter that the cold snap is proof global warming is just another hoax, like the idea that Rudy Giuliani still has working tear ducts.
Meanwhile, Al Gore was reportedly seen screaming into the storm, “I INVENTED THE INTERNET BUT I CAN’T STOP THIS BLIZZARD!” before slipping on an icy Capitol Hill sidewalk. He was later seen being escorted into a coffee shop, mumbling something about “An Inconvenient Chill.”
- “This is Al Gore’s Super Bowl. He’s been waiting for this moment since he lost Florida.” – Bill Maher
- “Al Gore tried to warn us, and now he’s out there yelling at glaciers like a divorced dad outside a Chili’s.” – Trevor Noah
- “Gore’s so mad, I swear I just saw steam coming off his forehead—it’s the first heatwave we’ve had all day.” – Jimmy Fallon
Melania Refuses to Attend, Citing “My Fur Coat is in Florida”
Melania Trump has reportedly opted out of the inauguration, stating that she has a very important appointment at Mar-a-Lago’s indoor poolside café. A spokesperson for Mrs. Trump said, “She has experienced many things for Donald, but frostbite will not be one of them.”
When asked about Melania’s absence, Trump simply responded, “Look, folks, this weather is terrible. Probably rigged. Everyone is saying so. The coldest inauguration ever? I don’t think so. I think that was Biden’s. Nobody even showed up.”
- “Melania won’t be there, but neither will 90% of the former administration. It’s like a high school reunion where everyone forgot they were invited.” – Samantha Bee
- “Honestly, Melania refusing to show up in the cold is the most relatable thing she’s ever done.” – Chelsea Handler
- “She just texted Trump: ‘I don’t really care, do u?'” – Conan O’Brien
The Inauguration Ball: Formalwear Will Now Include Parkas and Ski Masks
Due to the frigid conditions, Trump’s inauguration team has made several last-minute changes to the event, including:
✔ Hand warmers in the MAGA gift bags
✔ Hot dog vendors rebranded as “freedom furnace specialists”
✔ Fox News anchors broadcasting from inside giant heated hamster balls
Ivanka Trump is said to be “furious” over the change in weather, as she had a whole new white pantsuit planned that is now completely useless under the expected three layers of thermal insulation.
Meanwhile, Senator Ted Cruz was seen stocking up on scarves, gloves, and—just in case—tickets to Cancun.
Liberals Say Cold Snap is “Karma,” Trump Says “Cold? I Don’t Feel Cold”
Many on the left are taking the frigid weather as a sign from the universe that Trump’s second term is a mistake of chilling proportions. Twitter has already erupted with theories, with one user posting:
“God himself has frozen over to stop this inauguration. What more proof do you need?”
But Trump remains unfazed. In an interview with Sean Hannity, he stated:
“The cold doesn’t bother me. The fake news media, they want you to think it’s cold. But really, folks, I feel fine. I’m not even wearing gloves. Maybe it’s cold for some people. Weak people. Sleepy Joe type people. But not for me. I’m like a human furnace, okay?”
At press time, Trump was reportedly seen rubbing his hands together and asking if anyone had “one of those liberal oat-milk lattes, extra hot.”
Insider Tips for Surviving the Coldest Inauguration Ever
For those brave enough to attend the Subzero Swearing-In, here are some survival tips:
🔥 Dress in layers—Nothing says “MAGA patriot” like wearing three pairs of pants and crying on the inside.
🔥 Bring a heat source—Some attendees have suggested lighting their unused 2020 campaign signs on fire for warmth.
🔥 Avoid icy handshakes—The last thing you want is to be trapped in an awkward 45-second handshake with Mike Pence, who still hasn’t figured out how to gracefully let go.
🔥 Watch from home—Because really, if Trump can tweet the entire event, do you even need to be there in person?
Disclaimer
This article is a frozen-solid, 100% satire collaboration between two sentient beings—one a cowboy, the other a farmer. No actual political endorsements were made, no meteorologists were harmed, and no Russian weather machines were activated in the writing of this piece. If you are offended, please warm yourself with a cup of hot, steamy outrage and direct complaints to Mother Nature.
15 Observations on the Weather & Trump’s Inauguration Freezing Over
- “It’s so cold, even Trump’s hair is trying to migrate south for the winter.”
- “At this temperature, even Ted Cruz is rethinking his Cancun getaway strategy.”
- “This might be the first inauguration where people chant ‘Four More Years!’ just to keep their teeth from chattering.”
- “The only thing colder than the weather? Mitt Romney’s handshake with Trump.”
- “Sean Hannity is calling the deep freeze ‘a beautiful and perfect cold, probably the best cold in history.’”
- “It’s so frigid, even the ‘Trump 2024’ merch is coming pre-shrinkwrapped in a layer of ice.”
- “Mike Pence is warming up by standing next to a burning stack of cease-and-desist letters from the last administration.”
- “Melania took one look at the forecast and said, ‘I deal with Trump, but I don’t deal with frostbite.’”
- “This might be the only time in history where Al Gore and Fox News agree on something.”
- “The National Guard is deployed, but only to distribute emergency space heaters to Rudy Giuliani before he turns into a snowman.”
- “Even Mitch McConnell’s heart is reportedly showing signs of thawing—though experts remain skeptical.”
- “Joe Biden is watching from the White House with a cup of hot cocoa, mumbling, ‘Let’s see how you like it, Jack!’”
- “The only thing keeping the crowd warm? The constant body heat from 20,000 conspiracy theorists packed into one public square.”
- “Trump’s podium is now covered in icicles, making his speech the coolest thing he’s ever delivered.”
- “Forget ‘Drain the Swamp’—this administration needs to worry about defrosting it first.”
Comedians on the Weather Forecast for Trump’s Inauguration
The Inauguration Ball: Formalwear Will Now Include Parkas and Ski Masks
- “Finally, a ball where politicians can steal money and literally wear a mask while doing it!” – Jimmy Kimmel
- “The dress code says ‘black tie optional, thermal underwear required.’” – Seth Meyers
- “Mitch McConnell in a ski mask looks like every bank robber from a 1930s cartoon.” – Stephen Colbert
Liberals Say Cold Snap is “Karma,” Trump Says “Cold? I Don’t Feel Cold”
- “He doesn’t feel cold? That tracks. The man has had ice in his veins since ‘The Apprentice’ days.” – Trevor Noah
- “Karma has never been more punctual—unlike the USPS during election season.” – Samantha Bee
- “Trump is the only person who can get frostbite and still claim it’s ‘fake news.'” – John Oliver
Insider Tips for Surviving the Coldest Inauguration Ever
- “Wear layers—because if history tells us anything, this administration will be shedding them quickly.” – James Corden
- “Bring a heat source, like a flamethrower or, if that fails, Sean Hannity’s red-hot love for Trump.” – Bill Maher
- “Avoid shaking hands. Not for COVID—just because D.C. politicians are really sweaty even when it’s below freezing.” – Jimmy Fallon
Disclaimer
- “This satire is like the inauguration: cold, chaotic, and too long for some people’s liking.” – John Oliver
- “No snowflakes were harmed in the making of this article, except the ones melting down on Twitter.” – Trevor Noah
- “If you’re offended by this, don’t worry—climate change will make sure the next inauguration is held in a pool of lava.” – Seth Meyers
Trump’s Inauguration Image Gallery
Weather Forecast for Trump’s Inauguration
Washington, DC – Janaury 20th, 2025
