Global elite tired of being told things must fall down.
According to Bohiney News reporters, tech billionaire Skylar Fremont has officially declared war on gravity, calling it “an outdated force that’s been holding humanity back–literally.” At a lavish press conference streamed on YouTube, Fremont announced his $40 billion initiative to “replace gravity with something more market-friendly,” such as “optional downward encouragement.”
Scientists at NASA immediately dismissed Fremont’s plan as “physically impossible,” but his followers insisted critics were just “gravity lobbyists” with a pro-falling agenda. One anonymous staffer leaked documents showing Fremont wants to free humanity from “the tyranny of dropping phones, spilled soup, muffin crumbs, and croissants that always land butter-side down.”
To prove his point, Fremont unveiled prototype anti-gravity sneakers, which promised to let wearers ignore gravity for up to three glorious seconds. Test volunteers launched into the air, immediately panicked, and crashed into a punch bowl, which Fremont called “a minor setback in mankind’s journey upward.”
Economists at Brookings warned that eliminating gravity would cause catastrophic consequences–ranging from confused birds to lattes floating away. But Fremont assured investors it would create exciting new markets: floating furniture, airborne pets, and “sky parking for luxury cars.”
Public reaction has been enthusiastic, especially among influencers. “Imagine selfies where your hair floats like you’re underwater, but you’re not wet and you’re rich,” said lifestyle guru Lexi Breeze in a TikTok viewed 18 million times.
Meanwhile, physicians at Mayo Clinic warned that gravity is essential for human health. Fremont responded by accusing them of fearmongering: “Doctors are always telling us what our bodies need. First it was sleep, then vegetables, now gravity. When does it end?”
A Bohiney News poll found 12% of Americans love the idea, 20% think Fremont needs a nap, and the remaining 68% assumed this was a new Marvel movie. Late-night comedian Ray Delmar joked, “A billionaire trying to end gravity? That’s great. We haven’t even figured out potholes.”
In closing, Fremont vowed to continue funding anti-gravity research until the day he can float above the critics–preferably in a diamond-encrusted hover limo. Physicists remain skeptical. Gravity remains undefeated.