Post-Pandemic Awkwardness
“We Sat on Beanbags, Ate with Salad Tongs, and Called It Authentic.”
After nearly three years of quarantine dining, hand-delivered DoorDash, and Zoom birthday tacos, Kevin and Alyssa ventured into the wild frontier of “being around other humans at a table.” The results? Catastrophic. According to fellow dinner guest Rachel T., “They sat on decorative pillows, used salad tongs on sushi, and referred to utensils as ‘the metal sticks of judgment.'”
The dinner, hosted by close friends, was intended as a warm reconnection. Instead, it devolved into what one attendee called “an improv class taught by squirrels.”
“We’ve only communicated with baristas and Instacart shoppers for 36 months,” Kevin explained. “Fork-to-face feels aggressive now.”
Not only did the couple misinterpret a toast as a cue to chant “essential oils,” they also mistook a serving spoon for a metaphor and refused to use it unless the host explained its “emotional journey.”
When asked how work was going, Alyssa blinked, whispered “Buffering,” and spilled wine on the host’s emotional support tablescape.
The hosts have since set up a post-party decompression hotline for guests still processing the phrase “Are napkins performative?”
Kevin and Alyssa remain undeterred. “We’re hosting next week,” Kevin said. “It’s a masked silent fondue with interpretive chewing.”
Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.
