Haunted Roombas
“We Just Wanted Clean Floors. We Got a Portal to the Beyond.”
It began innocently enough. Jen and Marcos bought a refurbished Roomba to save money and their marriage, which had suffered under the weight of dust bunnies and mutual resentment. But soon, they noticed strange patterns: circles then stars then what Marcos described as “a Wiccan GPS signal.”
“At first we thought it was just confused,” said Jen. “But then it started cleaning only during 3:33 a.m. and moaning in Latin through the Bluetooth speaker.”
The Roomba has since been spotted reversing away from crucifixes, avoiding salt lines, and once dragging a cat toy directly into a candlelit shrine built by their roommate for ‘vibes.’
Experts suggest the robot may have retained corrupted firmware–or been spiritually compromised during its time at a returned goods warehouse in New Jersey.
The couple consulted a priest, who was allegedly chased out by the vacuum’s turbo mode while it whispered *”domum vacuum eternum.”*
They now keep it confined to the laundry room, but neighbors report faint Gregorian chants emanating from behind the door every full moon.
Jen has listed it on eBay as “Haunted Roomba Lightly Used Spiritually Motivated.”
Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.
