Clerics Warn of Invisible Western Forces Possessing Teen Hips
Emergency Fatwa Issued After Youths Found Dancing to Wi-Fi Signals
Clerics Warn of Invisible Western Forces Possessing Teen Hips
An emergency fatwa has been issued by the Council of Digital Decency in Tehran after a viral video surfaced showing teenagers rhythmically dancing in a courtyard — allegedly to the fluctuating pulse of a nearby Wi-Fi router.
The footage, now banned under Iran”s Electronic Modesty Act, shows three boys and two girls swaying in what authorities described as “a clear case of electromagnetic spiritual possession.” The ayatollah who reviewed the video reportedly cried, “The router is whispering sinful rhythms into their hips!” before fainting.
Clerics scrambled to identify the music source, only to discover there was none. “They were not dancing to Spotify. They were dancing to the signal strength itself,” said Ayatollah Reza Nakhjavani, head of the National Anti-Digital Temptation Task Force (NADTTF).
He added, “This proves Western technology is not only spying, it is boogying — and with our youth!”
The fatwa declares all unsupervised Wi-Fi “haram” unless filtered through approved Islamic firewalls and kept below “tempting bandwidth levels.” Clerics recommend replacing routers with “Modem of Modesty” models that broadcast only Qur’anic recitations and weather updates.
In schools, students are now required to carry analog moral compasses to verify that no rhythmic temptation is occurring near routers, electrical sockets, or vending machines.
Some reformist clerics questioned the ruling. “What if the youth were merely happy?” asked one anonymous imam before being reassigned to a remote cave without signal reception.
Internet cafes across Iran have been ordered to install motion-detection systems that immediately shut off the signal if more than two body parts move in sync.
The Iranian Ministry of Telecommunications and Theological Purity is developing new devices to replace Wi-Fi with “Halal Waves,” said to transmit data in solemn monotones only detectable by prayer apps and fax machines.
For more divine misunderstandings of modern tech, check out how ayatollah-khomeini once approved Tesla after mistaking it for a silent jihad chariot.
SOURCE: Clerics Warn of Invisible Western Forces Possessing Teen Hips