Accused of Projecting “Digestive Privilege” and Promoting Colonial Salad Norms

BROOKLYN, NY — What began as a quiet meal in a community garden ended in chaos after Mahatma Gandhi’s plate–containing only boiled lentils, raw spinach, and half a walnut–sparked outrage from Brooklyn progressives, who labeled his veganism “food moralism wrapped in colonial salad norms.”

“It’s the performative restraint for me,” tweeted @KaleReparations, who live-streamed the confrontation. “Gandhi’s diet erases the lived experience of people who heal through charcuterie.”

Several attendees accused Gandhi of “projecting digestive privilege,” noting that his stomach flora “hasn’t known Hot Cheetos, and therefore cannot understand struggle.” One food justice advocate pointed out that by eating only plants, Gandhi was “othering snacks that have been historically marginalized by spiritual elitism.”

“It’s not the lentils,” clarified progressive food theorist Myra Fermenté. “It’s the quiet superiority. He chews like morality is a seasoning.”

Attempts to mediate the situation with a group hummus tasting failed when Gandhi declined to scoop, instead offering a spoon made from compressed basil and the phrase, “All hunger is longing.” That was interpreted by one activist as “celerysplaining.”

The community garden has since posted a new policy: “No food-based virtue signals without prior intersectional framing.” Gandhi, for his part, has retreated to a rooftop beehive, where sources say he now communes with bees and subsists on air and fermented air.

In his only statement, he wrote, “What we eat reveals what we serve.” The quote was immediately dissected by Substack columnists, one of whom claimed the phrase is “just Protestant restraint in a dhoti.”

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