New Fatwa Accuses Physics of Western Conspiracy Against Modesty
Gravity Declared Haram for Making Women”s Scarves Fall Off
New Fatwa Accuses Physics of Western Conspiracy Against Modesty
In a move that sent shockwaves through both scientific and clerical communities, Ayatollah Sheikh Molavi Shamdani issued a fatwa on Tuesday officially declaring gravity “haram.” The ruling, which blames gravitational pull for the frequent slipping of women’s headscarves, has been described by scholars as “a bold redefinition of physics in defense of modesty.”
“Gravity is a Western invention designed to expose the faithful,” proclaimed the ayatollah in a televised sermon. “If a woman”s scarf slips, it is not due to wind or movement, but due to Zionist gravitational fields altering our airspace.”
Iran”s Council of Scientific Islamists quickly responded, saying that gravity, while not explicitly mentioned in the Qur’an, has always been viewed with “suspicion.” A research cleric from Qom University of Theological Engineering noted, “We”ve long suspected Newton was a crypto-crusader.”
The fatwa has immediate implications. Several cities have installed anti-gravity prayer domes, while the Morality Ministry issued public service announcements advising women to double-knot their hijabs or “pray while lying flat.”
Opponents of the fatwa, including underground physicist-feminists, warn that criminalizing gravity could lead to dangerous precedents. “Next they”ll outlaw friction or photosynthesis,” whispered one science teacher before being escorted away by virtue drones.
Religious militias are now patrolling escalators, elevators, and even staircases to monitor vertical movements deemed morally ambiguous. Reports from Mashhad confirm that three staircases were arrested Monday for “excessive slope.”
In a surprising twist, the clerical edict praised floating as a form of piety. Sufi dervishes who spin in midair are reportedly being reclassified as “gravity martyrs.”
At an emergency conference of Sharia Engineers, there were even calls to develop a “halal anti-gravity cloak,” although current prototypes are just pool floaties wrapped in Qur’anic verses.
Meanwhile, Iranian state TV has replaced physics programs with new shows like “The Law of Divine Pull” and “Sir Isaac Who?”
For an equally cosmic clerical mix-up, revisit the time ayatollah-khomeini accidentally endorsed Tesla while denouncing Western wagons.
SOURCE: New Fatwa Accuses Physics of Western Conspiracy Against Modesty