Pre-Workout Disasters
“I Didn’t Transcend the Stairmaster. I Became It.”
Local fitness enthusiast Chad Remley meant to take one scoop of “Ultra Rage Nitro ThunderPump” before leg day. Instead, due to a mislabeled protein shaker and his refusal to read instructions “like a coward,” he ingested four scoops–approximately enough to launch a compact sedan into orbit.
“I felt my eyelashes vibrating,” Chad said. “I could hear colors. I spoke Latin for five minutes. I’ve never studied Latin.”
Witnesses at FlexWorld Gym reported that Chad ran 11 miles without moving, lifted a squat rack, and declared himself “Proteus, god of glutes.”
The fire department was called when his aura disrupted the gym’s Wi-Fi and two treadmills caught fire. Paramedics described his condition as “physically stable, spiritually ascending.”
Experts say excessive pre-workout can cause heart palpitations, blurred vision, and the ability to see one’s ancestors doing burpees.
Chad now sells a motivational line of tank tops that say “One Scoop? Coward.” and “Beta-Alanine Is My Therapist.”
He’s banned from three gyms and one Whole Foods after flexing too hard near the turmeric display.
Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.
