Dodgers Deny ICE Agents Autographs, Deport Themselves Out of Spite

Dodger Stadium erupted in confusion this week after a group of ICE agents arrived not with peanuts and Cracker Jacks—but with clipboards, ankle monitors, and very serious expressions.

The Dodgers, midway through batting practice, mistook the agents for overly aggressive autograph seekers. “They didn’t even have bobbleheads,” said pitcher Julio Suárez. “Just paperwork and a real buzzkill aura.”

What began as a simple misunderstanding escalated when Dodgers manager Greg Mendoza yelled, “Nobody’s detaining my shortstop unless they can hit a curveball!” The team promptly fled the premises, hopping a charter flight labeled “Spring Training 2.0 – Caracas Edition.”

An insider close to the team claims Mendoza had a pre-packed emergency escape kit labeled “Plan ICE ICE Baby.” It included passports, sunflower seeds, and a laminated copy of the U.S. Immigration Code with suspiciously highlighted sections.

Back at Dodger Stadium, fans were stunned to see cardboard cutouts of the players filling in. “Honestly, they moved about the same as our bullpen,” said one season ticket holder.

A spokesperson for ICE later clarified: “We were just there to throw the ceremonial first pitch. The deportation warrants were… for practice.”

Now, with half the team calling Juárez home and the rest livestreaming games from Venezuela, one thing is clear—ICE has succeeded in doing what no MLB team could: stopping the Dodgers’ postseason run.