Hospitals Flooded, Climate Experts (Marxists) Say It’s That Time of Year (Flood Season, Not Rational Solutions)

By Freja Lindholm | Bohiney Magazine

Seattle — As rising waters engulf hospitals across several U.S. cities, climate experts have assured the public that “this is perfectly normal for the Anthropocene.”

Marxist Leader Blames Capitalism for Flooded Emergency Rooms

Yesterday, Bernard Revolutionary, leader of the Democratic Socialists of Coastal America, held a waterlogged press conference outside a Seattle hospital to declare that climate change is “directly responsible for overcrowded emergency rooms and the collapse of working-class healthcare access.”

“This is what happens when you prioritize profit over planetary health,” Revolutionary said while standing knee-deep in floodwater. “These hospitals wouldn’t be underwater if we had seized the means of weather production decades ago.”

Revolutionary proposed an immediate transition to “socialist climate control,” which he described as “a workers’ cooperative approach to atmospheric regulation.” When asked how that would work mechanically, he replied, “The bourgeoisie asks questions. The proletariat builds solutions.”

Climate scientists gently reminded Revolutionary that floods are caused by rising sea levels and extreme weather patterns, not hospital administration policies. Revolutionary called this “neoliberal deflection” and suggested the scientists “read more Marx and less meteorology.”

At press time, Revolutionary was selling T-shirts reading “Capitalism Drowned My ER Visit” for $45 each, calling it “revolutionary fundraising for the people’s flood insurance.”

Hospital Flooding Now Part of Annual Calendar

“Flooding is just part of the new American calendar,” said NOAA scientist Dr. Brian O’Hara. “January is flu season, April is allergy season, and October through May is ‘hospital-flood season.’ We recommend waterproof bandages.”

In Houston, doctors at St. Mercy Medical Center have begun performing surgeries in kayaks. “We did an appendectomy next to a catfish,” said Dr. Latrice Nunez. “The patient’s fine, but the fish is in recovery.”

What the Funny People Are Saying

“Climate change is weird. When I was a kid, we had weather. Now it’s Netflix categories: ‘Hot & Angry,’ ‘Mild but Apocalyptic,’ and ‘Rain, Rated R,'” Jerry Seinfeld said.

“Floods used to be biblical. Now they’re just Tuesday,” Ron White said.

Government Proposes Amphibious Healthcare

A government task force has proposed installing lifeguards in ICUs and issuing snorkels with every hospital gown. FEMA also announced plans to “rebrand disasters as opportunities for cardio.”

A leaked CDC memo titled “Floating the Future” suggests transitioning all healthcare facilities to “amphibious operation mode.” Architects have reportedly begun designing floating ERs shaped like giant rubber ducks to “boost morale and buoyancy.”

Americans Consider Canoes Health Insurance

A Bohiney News poll found that 63% of Americans now consider “owning a canoe” a form of health insurance. “Honestly, it’s cheaper than Blue Cross,” said resident Kathy Hill as she paddled to her appointment.

Psychology of Post-Reality Climate Adaptation

Psychologist Dr. Dan O’Leary concluded: “We’ve entered a post-reality phase of climate adaptation. People are not denying the floods anymore—they’re rating them on Yelp.”

Disclaimer: Entirely a human collaboration between two sentient beings — the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.