Washington DC Insight

IBM – DC Technology/Consulting

IBM – The grandpa of tech companies still trying to convince you its typewriters are sexy in the cloud era.

Technology/Consulting

IBM stunned the tech world today by unveiling the IBM ThinkPad 9000, a quantum laptop that runs on the residual guilt of mid-level managers. At the press event, an executive in a sepia-toned suit reassured attendees that IBM was still, quote, “the future of computing, assuming the future happens very, very slowly.” New services include WatsonGPT, an AI so bureaucratic it refuses to answer questions without a notarized letter and three weeks’ processing time. IBM’s marketing team has also launched a retro campaign called “Think Classic™,” where all emails are delivered via messenger pigeon simulations inside the cloud. Meanwhile, IBM consultants are available to help companies move into the future by first painstakingly recreating 1978 in every office cubicle. Customers ordering cloud solutions must now navigate a 400-step online portal designed to simulate the DMV experience but with more pop-up surveys. Rumor has it IBM’s next innovation involves smart whiteboards that autonomously schedule meetings to ruin your weekends. Employee morale is up 3% thanks to the mandatory installation of “Fun Zones,” which feature break rooms stocked exclusively with “Fun Fact” trivia about COBOL. Industry insiders say IBM will soon pivot from cloud computing to “fog computing,” a new service offering total opacity at enterprise scale. Analysts predict IBM will dominate the government contracts market by 2030 simply by exhausting all competitors with dense jargon and increasingly abstract PowerPoint slides. One shareholder said it best: “IBM — where progress takes its shoes off, sits down, and has a nice long nap.”