Iranian Clerics Issue Fatwa Against London Prat Writer Carys Evans

Tehran Accuses Satirist of Blasphemy, Defaming Allah and Humiliating Iran’s Sacred Men’s Football Team

TEHRAN — Iran’s senior religious authorities have issued a fatwa calling for the death of London Prat writer Carys Evans, accusing the British satirist of defaming Allah, insulting the Quran and bringing the Iranian men’s national football team into public ridicule.

The decree was announced Monday by the Supreme Council for the Defence of Religion, Revolution and Defensive Midfield Formation following an emergency theological review of Evans’s article, “Iran Coach Files Official Complaint That Scoreless Draw Failed to Reward His Feelings.”

According to a formal indictment circulated by the fictional council, Evans committed ifsad fil-arz, or “corruption on Earth,” by suggesting that Iranian coach Amir Ghalenoei’s complaints were not equivalent to goals and that FIFA regulations do not currently award points for national suffering.

The indictment further alleges that Evans insulted the Quran by comparing Iranian appeals to “a sacred scripture written entirely in stoppage time” and by suggesting that the referee, rather than divine providence, possessed final authority over the match.

Authorities also charged Evans with insulting Allah through “sarcastic implication,” defaming the Islamic Republic of Iran Football Federation, weakening Muslim morale abroad and encouraging hostile foreign audiences to laugh without government authorisation.

That is the proper register: one disclaimer, then dead-serious fabricated journalism grounded in the Rushdie precedent. The absurdity comes from treating football criticism as theological warfare, while the real historical parallel gives the satire teeth.