Reiki-for-Dogs
“He Doesn’t Fetch Anymore. He Contemplates.”
At the HoliPaws Wellness Center, dog owners are lining up for the latest trend in woo-woo pet care: Reiki for dogs. The treatment involves light hand hovering, chakra sniffing, and whispered affirmations delivered by a woman named Celestia who once cured a dachshund’s fear of wind chimes with “auric cuddles.”
“Before Reiki, Winston was neurotic,” said schnauzer owner Todd. “Now he stares into puddles and sighs. He’s moody but grounded.”
The session includes calming essential oils, a bone-shaped amethyst, and guided meditation in fluent doggish (mostly soft “who’s a good boy” chants with Tibetan bells).
Reiki master Celestia claims to “align canine energy meridians with moon-based wag frequencies.” Dogs reportedly leave sessions either deeply relaxed or confused but deliciously sleepy.
Vet associations remain skeptical. “Your dog’s not balancing his root chakra,” said Dr. Lara Singh. “He’s just exhausted from being petted in a room full of lavender mist.”
Still, clients are raving. One pug now refuses walks without a pre-stroll energy cleanse. A golden retriever has begun journaling with his nose.
Next up: a Reiki retreat for cats–assuming they agree to be in the same room as humans for an hour.
Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.
