DIY fails
Allen Wrench Now Worshipped as Deity by Flat-Pack Demons
After a well-intentioned Saturday of home improvement, local man Bryan Felder ended up opening a swirling vortex to an alternate universe inside his living room. The portal, accessed through the backside of an incorrectly installed bookshelf, has been dubbed “IKEA Hades” by scientists and former retail employees with PTSD.
“It started with two dowels and an ambiguous instruction sheet,” Bryan said. “Four hours later, I heard voices chanting in Swedish.”
The bookshelf–marketed as “Blörng”–was meant to hold cookbooks and decorative succulents. Instead, it now hums at night and occasionally expels meatballs.
His cat has gone missing, last seen walking into the portal. “He’s probably king there now,” Bryan whispered.
Flat-pack exorcist Doreen Wexler was called to the scene. “This isn’t the first time,” she said. “Once you skip Step 7B, you’re inviting something unspeakable into your home–probably Scandinavian.”
The portal appears to lead to a dimension filled with allen wrenches, floor lamps that scream, and endless showrooms where no one ever leaves. One sock has returned aged and sentient.
Bryan has vowed never to attempt DIY again. He now keeps all furniture in boxes as a precautionary warning to others: “Some instructions aren’t just vague–they’re ancient.”
Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.
