Doomscrolling Olympics
Thumbs of Despair
Trevor Finch set a new world record after scrolling continuously for 76 hours, consuming every political meltdown, celebrity breakup, and squirrel-themed lawsuit the internet could offer.
The Training
“I started with headlines,” Trevor said. “By hour 12 I was fluent in six types of rage and subscribed to three conspiracy newsletters.”
The Effects
Doctors say his eyes now vibrate and he emotionally reacts to Wi-Fi signals. He experiences real-time anxiety when hearing the word “update.”
Public Reaction
He’s been offered sponsorships from ergonomic thumb brace companies and three therapists who specialize in digital grief.
Conclusion
Trevor can’t remember his cousin’s wedding, but he knows 14 articles about the end of democracy. He’s writing a memoir titled *Refresh Me Gently.*