Noah Lyles & Tyreek Hill Didn’t Run in NYC—Turns Out Times Square Too Crowded With Tourists

Elite sprinters blocked by Elmo impersonators, naked cowboy, and grandma with selfie stick

NEW YORK CITY — The much-anticipated exhibition race between Olympic gold medalist Noah Lyles and NFL speedster Tyreek Hill was called off this week after the two men attempted to warm up in Times Square and instead ran directly into a wall of humanity composed of Times Square caricature artists, Swedish tourists, and a woman in a MAGA visor filming a TikTok about cheesecake.

“It’s impossible to sprint when you’re dodging a bachelorette party and a guy dressed like Spider-Man who smells like regret,” said Lyles, speaking to reporters from inside an M&M’s store where he took refuge after stepping in what appeared to be a churro puddle.

Tyreek Hill was less diplomatic. “I juked three hot dog vendors and still got clipped by a dude in a Statue of Liberty foam hat. I’m out.”

NYC Mayor Eric Adams Blames “Spontaneous Congestion”

Attempting damage control, Mayor Adams issued a statement that read in part: “New York City is a living organism. Sometimes it has traffic. Sometimes it has flash mobs. Sometimes it’s a fully immersive simulation of an actual colonoscopy.”

Adams also suggested the race be rescheduled in a more “movement-appropriate” venue, such as a runway at LaGuardia or the inside of a Costco.

A survey conducted on the scene found that 87% of pedestrians in Times Square that day didn’t know who Noah Lyles was, and 100% didn’t care who Tyreek Hill was unless he handed out free Broadway tickets.

Spontaneous Obstacle Course Forms Between Olive Garden and Bubba Gump Shrimp Co.

Eyewitnesses say Lyles was nearly sideswiped by an open-top tour bus full of Iowa teens taking blurry photos of the Naked Cowboy. Meanwhile, Hill made it 12 yards before a baby stroller formation performed an unexpected “Cover 2 Defense” near the Forever 21.

Both men wore compression shorts and elite footwear. Lyles had wind-resistant shades. Hill wore cleats with chrome flames. Yet none of that helped when a mime group blocked the intersection chanting, “Run in spirit, not in speed.”

Actual Race Replaced by Mutual Shrug and “Uber Escape”

After 18 minutes of gridlock, both athletes decided to sprint—not against each other—but toward the nearest private vehicle. A rickshaw driver named Raul offered to tow them to freedom for $80 and a promise to shout “Go Chiefs!” at passing traffic.

An Uber was eventually hailed. The driver, unaware of their identities, asked, “Y’all in a hurry or just dressed like that for fun?”

What the Funny People Are Saying

“They’re the two fastest men in the country—unless there’s a mime within 10 feet. Then all bets are off.” — Ron White

“If you can dodge Times Square tourists, you can dodge taxes. Just ask the Naked Cowboy.” — Jerry Seinfeld

“Noah Lyles almost tripped on a churro stand. It’s like American Gladiators if the theme was ‘Public Confusion.’” — Sarah Silverman

“Tyreek Hill got flagged for unnecessary elusiveness by a grandma with a camera strap.” — Larry David

“This is why I don’t run. I walk. Slowly. Toward cheesecake.” — Amy Schumer

“They tried to race in Times Square? What’s next, a spelling bee in a blender?” — Kevin Hart

“One of them did a 40-yard dash around a street magician mid-card trick.” — Bill Burr

“I once tried to run through Times Square. I still have PTSD from the Naked Elmo.” — Chris Rock

Sprint Stats Converted to New York Metrics

• Lyles’ top speed: 27.5 mph, reduced to 2.3 mph once tourist density factored in.

• Hill’s lateral agility: 98th percentile, neutralized by dad carrying balloon animals across his path.

• Combined YAC (Yards After Contact): negative 6.5, due to sidewalk saxophonist slapping Hill with rhythm.

An ESPN data scientist called it “the first race where the biggest threat wasn’t injury—it was sensory overload and a guy selling knockoff watches.”

Sprint Culture Collides with Times Square Reality

Both men entered the event with hopes of redefining American speed. They left with flyers for off-brand wax museums, three pounds of ambient glitter, and what Tyreek described as “the faint scent of expired butter and chaos.”

“I’ve run 100 meters in less than 10 seconds,” Lyles told reporters, “but I couldn’t make it 10 feet past a group selfie.”

Security was no help. One officer on site said, “We saw two men running at high speed and assumed it was either a viral prank or a guy trying to catch a subway. We don’t intervene unless someone knocks over a halal cart.”

NFL Reaction: Confusion and Opportunity

Chiefs head coach Andy Reid saw footage of Hill being clotheslined by a child with cotton candy and stated, “Looks like we need to draft that kid.”

ESPN’s Stephen A. Smith exploded on air: “YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT THE FASTEST MAN ON EARTH WAS TAKEN DOWN BY AN ACCORDION BUS AND A GUY WITH A ‘FREE HUGS’ SIGN? I’M DONE. I’M OUT.”

The NFL is now investigating the possibility of hosting future sprint challenges in areas with “lower background choreography.”

Tourists React with Absolute Oblivion

A group from Wisconsin watched the chaos unfold from behind a plastic barricade and had no clue who the men were. “We thought it was some kind of street performance,” said Larry Gobowski of Sheboygan. “When the one guy dove into a Starbucks, we applauded.”

Street vendor Carlos Espinosa described it differently: “Two dudes ran through my smoke cloud and vanished. Like Olympic ninjas.”

Conclusion: Fast Men, Slow City

Ultimately, the Lyles-Hill sprint showdown ended not in athletic glory, but in an existential sprint away from Times Square’s gravitational pull.

“They came for speed,” one NYU student poetically observed, “but left with shame, stickers, and soft pretzels.”

Plans are underway to reschedule the race somewhere less chaotic, possibly an abandoned mall in Des Moines or an airfield in Nevada with no tourists, influencers, or mime syndicates.

Until then, America’s fastest men remain humbled… by Elmo.