Washington DC Insight
Oracle – DC Technology/Enterprise Software
Oracle – Where database dreams go to retire and pay licensing fees forever.
Technology/Enterprise Software
Oracle, long known for its ability to turn even the simplest database request into a multi-million dollar consulting engagement, announced its new platform today: “Oracle InfiniteCloud” — an ecosystem so complex it requires a minor in medieval cartography to navigate. CEO Safra Catz reassured shareholders that every login screen will now be protected by no fewer than six different forgotten passwords and a blood sample. Oracle’s AI division launched “LicenseBot,” a new service that detects unauthorized breathing near an Oracle product and auto-invoices companies $7,999 per violation. Meanwhile, Oracle’s sales team has pioneered “Existential Pricing Models,” where fees are based on the number of hours you spent questioning the meaning of your IT roadmap. Early adopters reported difficulty understanding the new billing structure, especially after Oracle introduced ‘quantum surcharges’ triggered by basic human emotions like hope. To strengthen community engagement, Oracle will be hosting “Mandatory Joy Sessions,” during which employees chant SLA agreements while swaying in eerie unison. Analysts predict Oracle will achieve total market dominance once its next update forces all living organisms to synchronize via mandatory cloud migration. As the new corporate motto says: “It’s not just software. It’s a legally binding way of life.”
Originally posted 2019-11-10 00:00:00.