Once the world’s third most valuable carmaker after Tesla and Toyota, Porsche shares lost 29% so far this year. Anyone who poured money into Porsche’s September 2022 public offering of stock—Europe’s largest in over a decade—is currently sitting on losses short of 50%.

At the same time that Porsche is facing its biggest crisis in decades, the company is also in the process of overhauling half its senior management team with four new C-suite executives in charge of finances, sales & marketing, personnel, and procurement.

🏁 Jerry Seinfeld: “What’s the deal with luxury losing money?”

You spend $140,000 for a Porsche. You don’t even get floor mats! But now Porsche says “our business model no longer works.” Oh? The model that says, “Charge more for less”? That one?

They’re shocked people don’t want electric sports cars that cost more than a home in Ohio. It’s like building a spaceship to sell in Kansas. “Yes, it flies… no, it doesn’t have cupholders.”

They thought electric Porsches would sell like iPhones. Turns out, it’s more like selling fondue sets. You get one, use it once, then it becomes an expensive shelf ornament.

🥃 Ron White: “I bought a Porsche once. It tried to arrest me.”

So Porsche says the business model don’t work anymore? You mean the one where they charge you 300 bucks for a windshield wiper? Shocker.

I drove a 911 once. Beautiful car. Accelerates faster than my ex-wife chasing a paycheck. But I hit a pothole and the damn thing asked me for insurance. Not a claim—just… proof I was worthy.

Now they say they’re going broke selling EVs. Well, hell, I could’ve told you rich folks don’t want to plug in. They want to gas up, gun it, and sue somebody when it goes wrong.

🎤 Ali Wong: “You want women to buy this? It better come with child support.”

So Porsche is like, “Our cars don’t sell anymore!” Yeah, that’s because you marketed them to crypto bros and men in their third divorce.

Do I want a Porsche Taycan? Sure. If it comes with a free nanny, an IVF refund, and a prenup lawyer named Vicky with a pixie cut.

Women don’t want 0 to 60 in 3.2 seconds. We want zero creeps in 60 feet. Add that to the dashboard, and maybe I’ll test drive it between Costco and my fertility appointments.

🎙️ Chris Rock: “Porsche got arrogant, like a dude with too many abs.”

Porsche out here crying, “Why don’t people love us?” Man, y’all got cocky.

They thought people would want a $150K electric car that screams, “I’m insecure but eco-conscious.”

Porsche in China? That’s like trying to sell Popeye’s chicken at a vegan yoga retreat. China’s got BYD and Xiaomi EVs that cost 40 bucks and come with karaoke.

Y’all forgot the golden rule: People don’t mind luxury… as long as they feel smarter for buying it. Ain’t nobody feeling smart buying a car that can’t charge during a blackout.

🧠 Tig Notaro: “I tried to plug in a Porsche once… and I became a Buddhist.”

I test drove a Taycan last year. Beautiful car. Quiet. Elegant. Kind of like dating someone who only communicates through eye contact and tea.

I pulled into a charging station… and the Porsche told me to update my software. It spoke to me. In German. I don’t speak German. So I just sat there. Meditating. Accepting death.

Porsche says their business model is broken. I say… welcome to humanity. That’s the only model we’ve ever had.

🕶️ Sarah Silverman: “They made a car for middle-aged men who think they’re Dune.”

Electric Porsche. Okay. Cool. It’s sleek, it’s quiet, it’s… shaped like a midlife crisis and charges like your ex-husband’s phone when he’s cheating.

Their marketing is like: “Own your dreams.” No! I lease my trauma. Like a normal person.

They thought they could just slap a battery on a German sports car and call it the future. It’s like taking a Nazi and putting him in Birkenstocks. Doesn’t change the vibe, Porsche.

💢 Bill Burr: “I hope your overpriced golf cart bursts into flames.”

You ever see a Porsche guy? Always driving 50 in a 25. Wearing sunglasses indoors. Probably yelling at a barista.

So now Porsche is tanking because nobody wants their overpriced electric go-kart? Well BOO-HOO.

They dropped the Boxster? The Cayman? Yeah, why keep cars people actually liked when you can make a car that costs six figures and still sounds like a ceiling fan?

And now they’re crying “tariffs!”? Dude, cry me a f**in’ autobahn.*

🧔🏽‍♂️ Kevin Hart: “I bought a Porsche once. Had to sit on phone books.”

Y’all ever try to drive a Porsche when you’re 5’4″? It’s not a car — it’s a rejection letter on wheels.

Now Porsche is like, “Nobody wants our EVs!” That’s because you priced them like kidneys in a black market.

You know how many child seats fit in a Taycan? Zero. You know how many child support checks that car costs? ALL of them.

They should rename it: “The Alimony Express.”

🪞Ricky Gervais: “Oh no, the poor billion-dollar company is sad!”

Porsche can’t sell cars anymore. What’s next, goldfish suing for emotional damages?

They made a vehicle for men who say “I’m an alpha” and cry when they see a cordless vacuum.

The irony? Their electric cars are supposed to save the planet… while their boardroom burns down like a gender reveal party in a fireworks factory.

“Oh, our profit margins dipped!” Good. Join the club. You can ride the bus with me and the elderly man who smells like battery acid and broken dreams.

🗣️ Dave Chappelle: “Porsche EVs ain’t for the people — they’re for the privileged paranoid.”

You can’t drive a Porsche Taycan through the hood. It’s too quiet. You’ll get mugged before the horn finishes a “beep.”

Now they say their model “don’t work”? It never worked for regular folks. Ain’t nobody grandma sayin’, “Ooo baby, I need that 4-door coupe that can’t handle a pothole.”

They built a car for rich dudes who think their Aura Ring will keep them immortal.

🐐 Jackie Mason (classic Catskills): “You want a Porsche? For what? To drive or to kvetch?”

They say the model don’t work. Of course not! The people driving it don’t work. They inherited a hedge fund, a divorce, and a golden doodle.

The car costs $200,000 and you still gotta buy the charging cable separately. This is not a car — this is a shakedown with cupholders!

They say, “Sales are down in China.” You think? They’re busy building cities on the moon. Meanwhile, you’re stuck with a Taycan that can’t make it from Manhattan to Queens without dying.

🛠️ Louis C.K.: “Porsche is like dating a supermodel who charges you to breathe.”

A Porsche is beautiful, fast, and totally indifferent to your existence. Like my ex-wife. Or a Peloton instructor.

They say their business model “no longer works.” It’s because the model was: “Sell insecure men a shiny bullet with Bluetooth.”

Now people want value. They want function. They want a car that doesn’t call AAA every time you sneeze.

They should stop making cars and just sell subscriptions to guilt.

💥 Closer: Audience Feedback, Real Polls, Fake Stats

• A Reddit user posted: “Porsche is basically Apple on wheels. Beautiful, overpriced, fragile.” Upvoted 4,791 times by drivers who once had to remortgage their house for an oil change.

• According to a fake Pew Automotive poll:
  72% of Taycan owners have not driven it more than 11 miles. Because they forgot where they parked it or it ran out of charge in their own driveway.

• A satirical dealership Yelp review:
  “The Porsche dealership offered me a cappuccino, then stole my wallet. Five stars.”

• 48% of Porsche buyers in California admitted: “I just got it so my ex would see it on Instagram.”

Final Thoughts: Porsche Needs a Reboot — And a Therapist

Look, we all love a good comeback story. But Porsche’s problem isn’t electric motors or Chinese tariffs — it’s ego. You can’t run a business on the hope that rich dudes in loafers will keep panic-buying things that beep quietly and cost more than college.

Maybe next time, instead of reinventing luxury, just start a YouTube channel called “Porsche Therapy: Where We Grieve the End of the Boxster.” Invite Bill Burr. Bring tissues.

Auf Wiedersehen, amigos. 👋🏻