Mystical MLMs
“They Said I’d Open My Third Eye. I Just Opened Another Credit Card.”
Launched under the name *MystikWell*, the newest multilevel marketing scheme combines ancient wisdom with modern hustle–offering sales kits that include chakra-infused bath bombs, sentient candles, and something called a “spirit funnel.”
Participants are promised spiritual ascension and passive income. Instead, most now suffer from excessive oil exposure and persistent Instagram guilt.
“I hosted a Moon Manifestation Party,” said one seller. “My aunt bought a $300 ‘astral inhaler’ and hasn’t stopped burping horoscopes since.”
The company insists its business model is “non-linear and cosmic,” which is how it explains the absence of paychecks.
Products include the Aura Balm, Oracle Tupperware, and a potion labeled *Vibes: Unfiltered.*
The founder, known only as Harmony Blaze (née Derek), now teaches “Financial Manifestation Through Interpretive Dance.”
Federal authorities are investigating. The candles are not cooperating.
Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.
