Santa Monica Votes to Ban All Cars That Aren’t Electric or Emotionally Available

If Your Car Can’t Cry or Charge, It’s Out

SANTA MONICA — In a legislative move both futuristic and deeply codependent, the City of Santa Monica has voted unanimously to ban all vehicles that aren’t either electric or emotionally available.

Under Ordinance 8.9.3 “Drive With Feeling,” residents may no longer operate vehicles deemed “gas-powered and emotionally repressed” within city limits. The law defines emotionally available cars as those capable of expressing regret, forming healthy boundaries, and offering reassurance during bumper-to-bumper traffic.

“Santa Monica is committed to sustainability — both environmental and emotional,” said Councilwoman Dahlia Moss, while hugging her Prius and gently weeping. “It’s not enough to reduce emissions. We have to reduce detachment.”

The EV-OLV Standard

All cars must now pass the EV-OLV (Electric Vehicle or Love Vehicle) Certification Test, which includes:

• Demonstrating vulnerability via horn tone modulation

• Displaying empathy through customizable LED expressions

• Participating in a guided journaling session with a traffic counselor

Tesla quickly rolled out Model Feel, which uses lavender aromatherapy, heated seats that emit affirmations, and windshield wipers that pause respectfully when you cry.

Ford attempted compliance by giving the F-150 a dream journal and weekly appointments with a digital therapist named “Dr. Carl.”

What the Funny People Are Saying

“My truck broke up with me after I asked it to define our route. It said it needed space — emotionally and geographically.” — Ron White

“My new EV told me it feels smothered when I use Apple CarPlay. I told it to shut up, then cried in a charging station.” — Amy Schumer

“Santa Monica used to be about beach vibes. Now it’s about vulnerability on wheels. Even my Uber asked about my inner child.” — Jerry Seinfeld

Border Enforcement and Vehicle Profiling

At entry points into Santa Monica, officers now inspect vehicles for:

• Gas tanks

• Emotional repression

• Trunk-based shame hoarding

Those driving non-compliant vehicles must pull over into a designated Feelings Lane, where they’re offered vegan pastries and pamphlets on healing attachment wounds through rideshare.

Some gas car owners have started carrying printed apology letters and compliment coupons to reduce citations.

Motorcyclists are allowed in only if they hum softly and offer unsolicited back rubs.

Infrastructure Changes

In anticipation of the ban, Santa Monica has replaced traditional parking meters with Emotional Recharge Stations that offer:

• Free therapy prompts

• Yanni remixes

• A hug from a licensed parking attendant in biodegradable linen

Parking garages now feature mood lighting, whispering wind chimes, and valet staff trained in somatic release techniques.

Car horns must emit either a Tibetan bowl chime or a soft British voice saying, “I understand, please proceed.”

Resistance Movement: Gas-Powered and Guarded

A group calling themselves Gas-Powered and Guarded (GPG) staged a burnout protest outside City Hall, revving engines while blasting emotionally unavailable country songs.

“This is discrimination against emotionally distant transportation,” growled GPG founder Hank Driver. “My Chevy may guzzle gas, but it also never asked how I feel about my dad.”

The protest ended peacefully after a therapy alpaca from a nearby mindfulness center spit on a Mustang.

Industry Response

Toyota launched a new line of Camaraderie Camrys, equipped with digital co-pilots that say, “Tell me more,” when you hit the brakes.

Hyundai developed a Hy-Five Program, where drivers receive dashboard high-fives for every conflict resolved without road rage.

Meanwhile, BMW responded by releasing a press statement reading only: “No comment. You wouldn’t understand.”

Insurance Implications

Geico is offering discounts to drivers who demonstrate vulnerability in therapy or traffic court.

Allstate has introduced Soul Collision Coverage, which protects against heartbreak and minor dents caused by unresolved grief.

A new startup called FeelSure™ bundles car insurance with attachment-style analysis. Their tagline:

“We cover what’s under your hood and what’s inside your heart.”

IMAGE GALLERY

DISCLAIMER: This article was generated while whispering affirmations to a Honda Civic with abandonment issues. No spark plugs were judged, but one rearview mirror cried softly.

Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.