FBI Fires 24 Agents Who Knelt During George Floyd Protests
By Darla Freedom-Pie Magsen | Bohiney.com
FBI Agents Fired for Kneeling: The Controversy That Shook Federal Law Enforcement
The FBI has finally located America’s biggest security threat: bad knees. In a stunning reversal, the bureau announced it has fired nearly two dozen agents after photographs surfaced of them kneeling during the 2020 George Floyd protests. The kneel, once considered a gesture of de-escalation, has now been reclassified under bureau policy as “unbecoming of federal posture.”
An internal memo—handwritten on Bureau letterhead with suspiciously heavy red ink—stated: “Kneeling, when not in prayer or tying shoes, constitutes Marxist activity. Effective immediately, agents must stand upright, or at the very least, lunge patriotically.”
Why FBI Claims Kneeling Equals Marxist Activity
According to senior officials, the FBI agents were dismissed not for misconduct but for their “apparent dabbling in Marxist interpretive dance.” One anonymous staffer leaked that Director Christopher Wray was heard muttering in the hallway: “Today it’s kneeling, tomorrow it’s seizing the means of production of office staplers.”
Dr. Milton McClatchy, professor of Security Choreography at Liberty Bible College, offered expert testimony: “Every revolution begins with a bend at the knee. The Bolsheviks crouched before storming the Winter Palace. The Cubans squatted before Castro’s big speech. It’s simple biomechanics of tyranny.”
Eyewitness Accounts of FBI Agents Kneeling
Grainy cellphone video, allegedly filmed by an ice cream vendor, captured the agents kneeling and then… just kneeling some more. The vendor recalls: “I thought it was a yoga class. Next thing I know, they’re accused of overthrowing capitalism. I just wanted to sell Bomb Pops.”
A local grandmother, confused but supportive, told reporters: “Back in my day, if the FBI was on its knees, it meant they dropped their dentures.”
FBI Policy Changes: From Compassion to “Operation Upright Citizen”
The kneeling was initially cleared by internal FBI review. At the time, the FBI concluded it was a “temporary body adjustment” and “did not constitute endorsement of subversive ideologies.” But after political winds shifted, the agency launched what it’s calling “Operation Upright Citizen.”
A leaked survey conducted among FBI agents showed:
- 62% believe kneeling was a “moment of compassion”
- 23% saw it as “an opportunity to stretch the hamstrings”
- 15% admitted they “just needed a break because the boots are stiff”
Nevertheless, the final policy is now zero-tolerance: stand tall, salute something—anything—or pack your badge.
What Comedians Are Saying About FBI Firing Agents
“It’s the first time the FBI punished someone for not standing in front of a camera bragging about all the evidence they lost,” said Jerry Seinfeld during his Friday night set at the Comedy Cellar.
“So let me get this straight. The FBI kneels, they get fired. But if they lose a laptop, it’s called ‘operational complexity’? Man, I’ve been using that excuse for years,” Ron White told audiences at his Dallas show.
“The message is clear: if you kneel, you’re out. Unless it’s in church, proposing marriage, or begging Congress not to cut your budget,” Sarah Silverman posted on social media.
Political Reactions to FBI Kneeling Controversy
While the CIA has yet to comment officially, one anonymous operative snarked: “At least our agents can sit, kneel, or roll on the floor during covert ops. The FBI treats yoga as treason.”
Political figures have also weighed in. Senator Chuck Chesterton (R-Oklahoma) declared: “When an FBI agent kneels, an angel loses its Glock.”
Meanwhile, Representative Janice Bloom (D-California) countered: “If kneeling is Marxist, then so is tying your shoelaces. What’s next, banning squats at Planet Fitness?”
Public Opinion on FBI Agent Dismissals
A snap poll by the Institute of National Hysteria (margin of error: ±666) found:
- 44% of Americans believe the agents were demonstrating empathy
- 31% believe they were auditioning for Cirque du Soleil
- 25% couldn’t answer because they were still trying to figure out if the FBI is the one with the UFO files or the one with the Hunter Biden laptop
Historical Context: When Kneeling Changed Everything
Archival footage played on cable news showed moments in history where kneeling changed everything:
- King Arthur knighting his knights
- Tim Tebow praying in the end zone
- Uncle Larry begging the bouncer not to kick him out of Applebee’s karaoke night
Political analysts argue that if kneeling is disqualifying, then every knight in medieval Europe would have been pink-slipped by the FBI’s HR department.
FBI Ergonomic Guidelines: The Slippery Slope
Critics warn this FBI policy decision sets a dangerous precedent. If kneeling is Marxist, what about sitting? Will slouching be considered Trotskyist? And what about leaning on the water cooler? That’s practically Maoist.
According to leaked ergonomic guidelines, agents will soon be required to maintain “permanent parade rest” while operating computers, interrogating suspects, or microwaving Hot Pockets in the breakroom.
FBI Dignity vs. Historical Reality
The FBI insists the firings were necessary to preserve “the dignity of the Bureau.” Yet observers note that dignity has historically not been the FBI’s strongest suit. Between wiretaps on Elvis, files on Martin Luther King Jr., and botched undercover stings involving clown costumes, the bureau’s dignity is about as stable as a folding chair at a WWE match.
As one anonymous agent summed it up while cleaning out his desk: “I gave 15 years of my life to this job. Turns out my biggest mistake was stretching my quads.”
Disclaimer: This satirical report is entirely a human collaboration between two sentient beings—the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. Any resemblance to actual Marxist aerobics is purely coincidental. Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.