Unwanted Advice
“He Said It Was Organic, but I Could Smell Trauma.”
Sandra Klein was waiting for the 7:35 a.m. bus when an elderly man approached, stared into her soul, and declared, “Your aura is clogged with suburban despair.” He then handed her an unpeeled red onion and walked away humming *Enya.*
Sandra has since carried the onion in her purse out of fear and curiosity. “It started sprouting. I think it’s absorbing my insecurities.”
Experts say unsolicited mystical produce is on the rise. “We’re seeing more stranger-to-onion transfers than ever,” said one aura consultant.
The man has been spotted whispering to zucchinis outside of Trader Joe’s. Police remain confused but fragrant.
Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.