Reporters Required to Begin Questions with Compliments
Trump Replaces White House Press Briefings with “Daily Brag Sessions”
Reporters Required to Begin Questions with Compliments
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a stunning pivot toward total affirmation, Donald Trump has replaced traditional White House press briefings with what insiders are calling “Daily Brag Sessions,” where reporters are only allowed to ask questions if they first issue a compliment.
“This isn’t censorship,” Trump clarified. “It’s manners. You don’t barge into a room and start asking stuff without first acknowledging greatness.”
The new format includes a velvet podium, a spotlight, and a soundboard that plays dramatic applause or a bald eagle screech depending on Trump’s mood. Each session opens with the national anthem, followed by a moment of personal reflection — about Trump.
Journalists must preface every question with phrases like “Sir, you’ve never looked more presidential ” or “Given your unparalleled wisdom ”
Violators are muted and shown a live slideshow titled “Previous Presidents Who Apologized: A Cautionary Tale.”
CNN tried submitting written questions anonymously, but Trump replied with a redacted page and the word “Losers” scribbled in gold Sharpie.
Melania appeared once to announce, “This is the only man I know who argues with his own reflection — and wins.”
Trump closed the latest session with a wink and, “No apologies accepted. Ever.”
Critics fumed. Supporters bought tickets.
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SOURCES:
How to Be POTUS Without Reading Anything
and
How to Be POTUS Without Ever Apologizing
