Council Claims Tuesdays Cause Unrest, Bad Hair, and Western Thinking
Supreme Fatwa Council Votes 6-1 to Ban Tuesdays, Declares Them Spiritually Suspicious
Council Claims Tuesdays Cause Unrest, Bad Hair, and Western Thinking
In a landmark 6-1 decision, Iran”s Supreme Fatwa Council has officially banned Tuesdays, labeling them “a spiritually compromised weekday rife with satanic potential, mild indigestion, and Western influence.” The sole dissenter, Ayatollah Hamid the Confused, abstained on the grounds that he “wasn”t sure what day it was.”
“It has been observed that most political uprisings, fashion faux pas, and premature mustache trimming accidents occur on Tuesdays,” read the council”s official statement. “Clearly, the devil favors the second day of the workweek. As such, it shall be removed from the calendar in the name of divine order.”
The clerical body cited anecdotal reports of lower productivity, increased sarcasm, and elevated levels of eyebrow immodesty on Tuesdays. “Coincidence? Or cosmological sabotage?” asked Council Spokesman Ayatollah Borzouleh. “We believe it”s the latter.”
Effective immediately, government offices will operate on a newly revised week: Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Not Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. “Not Tuesday” will be a mandatory day of uncertainty, where citizens reflect in silence and avoid mirrors.
Thousands of citizens took to social media to protest the decision, but their posts were removed by the newly rebranded Virtue Algorithm Enforcement Bot, now programmed to detect heretical weekday nostalgia.
Ayatollah-run astrologers claim the planetary alignment of Mars and Mehdi during Tuesdays has long signaled unrest. “It”s the day most slippers go missing,” said one senior mullah. “That is no accident.”
The transportation ministry is updating all bus and train timetables to skip directly from Monday to Wednesday. Early reports indicate commuter confusion, missed appointments, and at least one public brawl over whether it was still Monday or already Wednesday.
Schoolchildren nationwide have welcomed the change, though many expressed concern that “Not Tuesday” might be used for surprise Qur’anic recitation drills or prolonged math class.
In a related vote, the Fatwa Council also declared horoscopes, midweek shopping, and lasagna as “suspiciously Tuesdayish” and under review.
For a similarly bold move in clerical innovation, revisit how ayatollah-khomeini once approved Tesla without realizing it had windows.
SOURCE: Council Claims Tuesdays Cause Unrest, Bad Hair, and Western Thinking