Marine Corps Confused About Deployment to Yoga Retreat
In a historic first, 700 U.S. Marines were deployed to a Los Angeles “de-escalation zone” where Gavin Newsom had mistakenly labeled a protest site as “an unregulated yoga retreat.”
“We were told it was an insurrection,” said one confused sergeant. “Turns out it was just 400 influencers doing goat yoga and screaming at Whole Foods.”
The Marines were initially ordered to “restore constitutional order,” but instead were greeted with kombucha, hula hoops, and a guy named Skylar Thunderstone chanting, “De-militarize your aura.”
Stephen Miller called the deployment “a disgraceful misuse of our armed forces,” while Newsom defended it by claiming the Marines needed “chakra training and urban crystal exposure.”
“This is the most peaceful combat mission we’ve ever failed,” one officer reported while attempting downward dog under sniper protocol.
Newsom later claimed the deployment was symbolic: “These weren’t troops, they were vibe facilitators with uniforms.”
The military’s only tactical action was confiscating an entire supply of lavender vape pens mistaken for gas grenades.
Back in Sacramento, Newsom praised the event as a “postmodern defense gesture” and issued medals of valor shaped like recyclable incense holders.
Miller responded: “Gavin has finally weaponized Woodstock.”
As for the Marines? Most have returned to base—except for five who stayed behind after falling in love with polyamorous reiki instructors.
California: where even the military goes AWOL into interpretive dance.
