This Week in Denial: Justice, Jet Fuel, and Juice Cleanses
Jeffrey Epstein Declared Official Sponsor of Amnesia Awareness Month
In a stunning twist of irony, the Department of Health and Human Services has posthumously named Jeffrey Epstein the face of Amnesia Awareness Month. “We felt it was time to honor the many public figures who suddenly forgot where they were, what they were doing, or who they were doing it with,” said a spokesperson. Commemorative bracelets read “I Don’t Recall — And Neither Should You.”
Elon Musk Denies Epstein Connection, Says “That Was Just My Clone”
Responding to leaked guest logs, Musk tweeted: “Fake news. That was E.L.O.N. — my Experimental Lifeform Omnidirectional Narcissist. Total coincidence.” When asked about photographs of him and Epstein, Musk replied, “Deepfake. Also, that was a simulation. Also, shut up.”
FAA Report: Epstein Jet Had More Frequent Flyer Miles Than Delta
A newly unsealed FAA report reveals Epstein’s private jet logged over 2 million air miles between 2002–2015, narrowly beating Delta and several birds. The jet reportedly flew so often it qualified for diplomatic status. Oddly, it also filed flight plans to places that don’t legally exist, including “Fantasy Island,” “Middle Earth,” and “Stephen Hawking’s House.”
DOJ Releases Epstein Case Update on SnapChat, Disappears After 24 Hours
After public demand for transparency, the DOJ posted a full case update — via SnapChat story. Viewers had 24 hours to read the details before the files self-deleted. “That’s the legal equivalent of writing it on a beach with a stick,” said one federal judge, weeping into his robe.
Maxwell Sues Netflix for Unauthorized Docu-Series Titled: ‘Lady MacBathes in Children’s Tears’
Ghislaine Maxwell has filed a lawsuit claiming emotional distress over her portrayal in Netflix’s unauthorized dramatization. The series, described as “Bridgerton meets Dexter,” reportedly includes scenes of her hiring talent scouts at equestrian competitions and auditioning child actors for “loyalty.” Maxwell’s team claims she’s being unfairly portrayed as “power-hungry, British, and alive.”