Trump Not in Epstein Files, Media Still Finds Him Hiding in the Margins
In a development that shocked no one except MSNBC’s graphics department and Anderson Cooper’s therapist, the Department of Justice confirmed this week that former President Donald J. Trump’s name does not appear in the newly released Jeffrey Epstein files.
The media, of course, responded as one might expect from a pack of caffeine-fueled ostriches: they immediately stuck their heads in a Xerox machine and printed out their own version.
“This doesn’t mean Trump’s innocent,” declared one CNN contributor while using a highlighter to circle random blank spots on a redacted page. “It means he’s operating at such a high level of guilt, he transcended the file entirely.”
Several major outlets — including The Washington Post, The New York Times, and even BuzzFeed’s remaining unpaid intern — published breathless pieces suggesting that Trump’s absence from the documents is, in fact, the most incriminating evidence of all.
“It’s a classic misdirection,” explained a New York Times editor in a cardigan made of Pulitzer applications. “The fact that he’s not there proves he was there so early, he got erased.”
MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow spent a full hour pointing to a comma on page 347 of the file, insisting that “if you turn the page sideways and squint like a patriot, the comma clearly forms the letters D-O-N.” She concluded the segment by dramatically turning off the lights and whispering, “He’s still with us.”
Fox News, in rare alignment with reality, simply aired a segment titled:
“Trump’s Not in the Files. Eat That, Joy Behar.”
It was hosted by a golden retriever named Patriot who barked every time someone said the word “Epstein.”
In what appeared to be an attempt at actual journalism, one AP reporter asked the DOJ for clarification. The official response?
“No, he’s not in the files. At all. We checked. Stop calling.”
Still, resistance influencers online remain unconvinced. A viral tweet from @TrumpKnew666 theorized that Trump’s name had been in the files, but he paid to have it replaced with “Tony Danza.” The tweet was shared over 47,000 times, especially by people who list their pronouns as “impeach/again.”
Meanwhile, Trump responded by writing the word “Epstein” on a Post-it note, tossing it into a toilet, and calling it “a better report than anything ABC has done since 1993.”
At press time, a team of New Yorker fact-checkers were reportedly dissecting a footnote found in the index section labeled “miscellaneous lunch receipts,” confident it held the key to everything. One anonymous source close to the matter (possibly a janitor) claims they saw the ghost of Jeffrey Epstein winking at a surveillance camera shaped like Trump’s head.
The only thing more missing than Trump’s name in the files? Accountability in journalism.
Coming up at 11: CNN exclusive — “Was Trump the Invisible Ink?”
Stay tuned.