Clerics Condemn Gravity: Fatwa Issued Against Gravity for Making Women Walk Funny

Wahhabi Clerics Blame Physics for Temptation, Demand God Recalibrate Gravity or Face “Spiritual Litigation”

By: Amal Folded, Chief Anti-Physics Correspondent

Clerics Condemn Gravity: “Too Much Bounce, Not Enough Modesty”

RIYADH — In a landmark announcement that stunned physicists and modestly-minded pedestrians worldwide, the Grand Wahhabi Council has issued a fatwa against **gravity**, blaming it for making women walk in ways that “distract, disturb, and dangerously ripple.”

“We have reviewed the Quran, Hadith, and the steps of modesty,” declared Sheikh Abdul-Raheem ibn Shake, lead scholar at the **Ministry of Locomotive Piety**, “and nowhere does it say women should appear to glide with a gait that resembles joy or rhythm. We blame gravity. It encourages curvature and bounce.”

Scientific Phenomena Now Under Sharia Review

The fatwa, issued via skywriting above Riyadh (to avoid haram ink), accuses gravity of being a “Western construct invented by Isaac Newton to tempt the righteous.” In the official statement, gravity is described as “uncontrollable, invisible, and lascivious—much like jazz.”

Sheikh Shake elaborated, “Each downward pull causes movement in areas that lead to corruption. Gravity must be neutralized or spiritually retrained.”

Humorous Observations from the Fall of Reason

• Clerics suggest women should “walk vertically,” like elevators with niqabs.
• All apples are now under suspicion for “falling without divine approval.”
• Prayer rugs issued with velcro ankle straps to minimize “bounce betrayal.”
• Earthquakes briefly labeled “cosmic twerking.”
• A female pigeon walking seductively sparked three emergency fatwas.
• New modesty training involves walking through molasses uphill.
• Every step taken in rhythm now requires clerical permission slips.
• Wahhabi shoe stores forced to sell “anti-arch boots” with shame cushioning.
• Runners arrested for “excessive hip theology.”
• One cleric briefly floated, declared a miracle, and was then excommunicated.
• Feminine footsteps must now sound like sadness or sand.
• Gravity renamed “Shaytan’s invisible tug.”
• A draft plan includes issuing weights to strap to each woman’s leg for “piety anchoring.”
• The moon was officially warned to stop influencing tides. “Water is too free.”
• Women blinking too rhythmically during walking are now enrolled in corrective blinking therapy.

What the Funny People Are Saying

“They banned gravity? I hope they’re ready to float in hypocrisy.” — Jerry Seinfeld

“Gravity made her walk funny? I guess mirrors are next for making her smile.” — Ron White

“I tripped on my stairs once. Didn’t realize I was violating religious space law.” — Sarah Silverman

“You can’t ban gravity. It’s not a law you can change—it’s like math, or comedy.” — Kevin Hart

“Next up: air charged with inciting female breathing patterns.” — Amy Schumer

“If your faith can’t handle a woman walking, maybe your God needs therapy.” — Bill Burr

“They hate women. But they hate physics more.” — Roseanne Barr

“This is what happens when you ban books and discover Isaac Newton too late.” — Dave Chappelle

“Women walk too sexy? That’s not gravity’s fault—that’s your hormones doing parkour.” — Chris Rock

“I’d like to see them argue with gravity. I hope it drops a camel on them.” — Larry David

Scientific Community Responds: “Please Stop.”

International physicists were quick to object. Dr. Layla Lepton of CERN issued a statement: “Gravity is not ideological. It doesn’t care what you wear. It affects everyone—yes, even Wahhabi clerics with enough mass to produce their own fields of sanctimony.”

Meanwhile, Neil deGrasse Tyson tweeted: *“You can’t outlaw gravity. You can only embarrass yourself on the way down.”* He was immediately banned from entering Riyadh.

Women Respond With Graceful Protest

In an unplanned viral moment, thousands of Saudi women took to the streets walking in synchronized defiance, wearing exaggerated heels and marching to the tune of *“Staying Alive.”* One participant, identified only as “Nada,” shouted, “This is how I naturally walk. Gravity is my co-pilot.”

Protesters carried signs reading “Isaac Newton Was Right,” “Gravity Has Curves Too,” and “If Walking Tempts You, That’s On You.”

Clerical Countermeasures: The Modesty Harness

The Wahhabi Council unveiled a prototype “Modesty Harness™,” a wearable gravity-countering ankle brace filled with sand and shame. According to Sheikh Shake, it ensures “the female stride remains subdued, apologetic, and appropriately gravitational.”

Initial trials backfired when test subjects collapsed from awkward angles. One cleric admitted, “We forgot that skeletons also respond to physics. But we’re looking into spiritual bones as a workaround.”

Fictional Interview: Sheikh vs. Newton

In a satirical reimagining, Sheikh Shake debates Sir Isaac Newton in paradise:

**Sheikh:** “You invented gravity to seduce believers?” **Newton:** “Actually, I discovered it. After an apple fell.” **Sheikh:** “Then you and the apple are both haram.” **Newton:** “That’s…not how reality works.” **Sheikh:** “Reality bends to scripture.” **Newton:** “But scripture obeys mass.” **Sheikh:** “Mass must repent.” **Newton:** *[facepalms into eternity]*

Government Response: Ministry of Physics Rebranded

The Saudi Ministry of Education announced the rebranding of physics as **“Moral Engineering.”** Gravity has been downgraded to “an optional belief,” and classroom globes now come with niqabs.

Teachers are instructed to refer to falling objects as “faith tests,” and water fountains have been adjusted to only flow upward “in demonstration of celestial modesty.”

Global Repercussions: The Earth Is Confused

In a symbolic gesture, the planet Earth tried to spin slightly faster to avoid association with the scandal, but was politely asked by Mars to “calm down.” The moon, feeling blamed, issued a lunar eyeroll visible from Cairo.

UNESCO convened an emergency summit titled: *“Religious Laws vs. Natural Laws: Must We Choose?”* Panelists included physicists, scholars, dancers, and one nervous apple tree.

Final Verdict: A Fallacy Against Falling

The fatwa against gravity represents a broader clerical campaign to outlaw anything that suggests joy, bounce, or Newtonian mechanics. Critics argue that this reflects more about the fragility of male egos than about physics or piety.

As one reformist imam quipped, “If gravity makes you sin, maybe it’s not the Earth pulling you down—it’s your soul.”