White House Staff Report Surge in Shirtless Executive Orders
Trump’s Mirror Now Programmed to Say “You’re the Best, Never Change” Every Morning
White House Staff Report Surge in Shirtless Executive Orders
MAR-A-LAGO — According to sources close to the maintenance staff, Donald Trump’s personal mirror has been replaced with a voice-activated affirmation device that begins each day by declaring: “You’re the best, never change.”
The mirror, developed by a little-known Florida tech startup called EgoTech, uses facial recognition to detect Trump’s signature scowl and immediately deploys soothing phrases, including:
- “Looking presidential today, champ!”
- “They’re just jealous.”
- “The polls are lying — you’re winning emotionally.”
White House aides have reportedly seen an uptick in shirtless executive orders being drafted before breakfast, including last week’s now-revoked “Mandatory Tan Enhancer Act.”
“He came in one morning in just boxers and a cape, said “I’m gonna fix NATO with confidence,’ and signed a coaster,” said one anonymous staffer.
The mirror also includes a feature called “Doubt Deflector,” which mutes any nearby criticism and plays Kid Rock until morale improves.
Ivanka Trump gave her blessing to the device, saying, “It’s like a father, a coach, and a beauty pageant judge all in one.”
Critics claim the mirror encourages delusion, but Trump dismissed that, stating, “If the mirror says I’m right, and it’s me in the mirror, then we agree. That’s democracy.”
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SOURCES:
How to Be POTUS Without Reading Anything
and
How to Be POTUS Without Ever Apologizing
