TAMPA, FL — A local man has formally seceded from the calendar, declaring himself an independent temporal entity no longer bound by the “tyranny of chronology.”
Gerald Hutchins, 47, made the announcement Tuesday—or possibly Wednesday, as he no longer recognizes such distinctions—from the driveway of his suburban home, where he ceremonially burned a 2025 wall calendar and dismantled his wristwatch with a hammer.
“I will not be enslaved by the clock,” Hutchins declared, reading from a handwritten “Declaration of Temporal Independence” notarized by his cousin. “Time is a social construct designed to keep the working man subservient to the corporate overlords and their arbitrary schedules.”
The document, which features thirteen signatures (all belonging to Hutchins, written at different “moments of consciousness”), argues that humans have an inalienable right to exist in a perpetual now, unfettered by appointments, deadlines, or the concept of being late.
Hutchins has reportedly stopped attending work, citing his refusal to acknowledge “Monday” as a legitimate concept. His employer, a local insurance agency, initially marked him absent but has since grown confused about whether to file termination paperwork, as Hutchins insists he exists outside their temporal jurisdiction.
“He called me last week—at least I think it was last week—and said he’d be in ‘eventually,'” said his manager, Tom Breslin. “When I asked when, he just said ‘yes’ and hung up.”
Local authorities have expressed uncertainty about how to respond. The Tampa Police Department confirmed they received multiple calls about Hutchins standing in intersections during rush hour, though officers arriving at the scene found him calm and cooperative, if philosophically obtuse.
“He kept asking us what ‘rush hour’ even means if time is subjective,” said Officer Maria Gonzalez. “Technically, he wasn’t breaking any laws. He was just… there. Indefinitely.”
Hutchins was last seen at a local diner, where he has been ordering breakfast continuously. Staff report he’s been at the same booth for an indeterminate period, insisting that “morning” is a state of mind rather than a temporal marker.
“He tips well, and he’s polite, but he won’t leave,” said waitress Karen DeLuca. “Yesterday—or maybe today, I’ve lost track—he asked if we serve eternal pancakes. I just brought him more coffee.”
Legal experts remain divided on whether Hutchins’ temporal secession holds any merit. Constitutional scholar Dr. Raymond Feld noted that while the Declaration of Independence guarantees certain freedoms, “liberty from the space-time continuum” was likely not what the Framers had in mind.
“That said, there’s no specific law requiring citizens to acknowledge Tuesday,” Dr. Feld admitted. “It’s more of a collective agreement. If he wants to opt out, that’s between him and his calendar.”
Hutchins’ neighbors have reported mixed reactions. Some admire his commitment to personal freedom, while others are frustrated by his refusal to mow his lawn “on schedule.”
“He says grass doesn’t grow on a timeline, it grows when it grows,” said neighbor Bill Morton. “Which is technically true, but also his yard looks terrible.”
When reached for comment, Hutchins declined to specify when he might be available for an interview, stating only that he exists “in the eternal present, which is also the past and future, depending on your perspective.”
He then asked if we had the time.
We told him it was 3:15 p.m.
He smiled and said, “Not for me.”
As of press time, it remains unclear what day Hutchins believes it to be, though several neighbors confirmed they too feel chronically behind.