Pre-Coffee Personalities
“Before Coffee, He’s Basically an Abstract Sculpture of Anxiety.”
When Mitchell Crane failed to respond to his girlfriend’s repeated morning greetings, skipped his usual four-syllable sigh, and stared blankly into a toaster for 37 minutes, she called the police. Officers found him unresponsive–but breathing–standing barefoot in the kitchen, gripping an empty mug and mumbling “Beans heat meaning ”
“He looked like an unplugged mannequin with a mortgage,” said responding officer Juanita Blatz.
Mitchell later admitted he had forgotten to buy coffee grounds. “I knew something was wrong when I opened the cabinet and it echoed back disappointment.”
Friends say Mitchell without caffeine is “a human buffering wheel” and that he once tried to pay rent using a cinnamon stick and a long blink.
A GoFundMe titled *Get Mitch a Backup Keurig* raised $6,000 in three hours.
His barista now texts him wake-up affirmations and espresso emojis at 6:01 a.m. daily. Mitchell says he’s “starting to remember how vowels work.”
He’s also co-authoring a self-help book called *Perk Up or Perish: The Caffeine Survival Guide for the Emotionally Groggy.*
Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.
