Vegan Meat Mystery
“It Wasn’t the Flavor That Betrayed Us–It Was the Honesty.”
When longtime vegans Chip and Elodie bit into their new favorite plant-based burgers, they were surprised by the juicy, vaguely carnivorous taste. “It made me cry,” said Chip. “Like I remembered a cow I’d never met.”
After weeks of suspicion and several spiritual fasts, they sent the patties to an independent lab. Results were shocking: 96% soy and pea protein, 3% existential dread, and 1% USDA-certified beef.
The manufacturer, MooPhoria, blamed “trace emotional residue from shared supply chains” and offered a coupon for their new line of “Truthful Tofu.”
Social media exploded. Hashtags like #MooGate and #BovineBetrayal trended. Elodie began hosting nightly grief circles called “Meatless Mourning Mondays.”
Chip has written a memoir: *Almost Carnivore: My Soy-Slick Descent Into Moo.*
The couple now eats only air-fried moss and drinks mushroom rainwater. “At least that never lied to us,” said Elodie, sobbing gently into a leaf.
Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.
