Voldemort Sues Newsom for Defamation of Dark Wizards

In a magical twist to an already cursed administration, Voldemort has filed a defamation lawsuit against Gavin Newsom, claiming emotional damages after the California governor compared Stephen Miller to the dark wizard during a press conference.

“Being compared to Miller is an honor,” said Voldemort’s attorney, Lucius Malpractice, who clarified that “the Dark Lord at least had a spine, a strategy, and no tolerance for performative TikToks.”

The lawsuit, filed in the United Nations’ Fantasy Tribunal, seeks 1,000 gallons of artisanal blood wine and a public apology to all dark wizards unfairly linked to West Coast governance.

Stephen Miller declined to comment, except to say, “At least Voldemort believed in borders.”

Newsom’s office attempted damage control by releasing a statement claiming Voldemort was “a metaphor for whiteness under late-stage capitalism.” The statement was then walked back after the Berkeley Chapter of Wiccans threatened a candlelit protest.

Meanwhile, Rowling was spotted liking tweets comparing Newsom to Gilderoy Lockhart, the wizard who accomplished nothing but had great hair and a team of ghostwriters.

Polls show 38% of Californians now believe Voldemort could fix the housing crisis faster than Newsom, while 62% say “at least the Death Eaters kept the trains on time.”

When reached for comment, Voldemort said, “I may be evil, but at least I never ruined San Francisco.”