Pre-Coffee Personalities
“She Typed ‘ASAP’ with So Much Force It Created an Outlook Earthquake.”
Janine Morris, mild-mannered HR rep by noon, is known around the office as “The Dawn Viper” for her hyper-productive, caffeine-free email tirades between 5:45 and 7:02AM.
“I don’t remember writing them,” she confessed. “But I wake up and there’s a trail of CC’d casualties and passive-aggressive bullet points.”
Her coworkers now begin every morning with whispered questions like, “Has Janine sipped?” and “Did she already threaten the intern again?”
Highlights include a 6:12AM message that began, “Per my pre-coffee last nerve ” and a 14-point PowerPoint titled *Why Steve Should Never Use Comic Sans Again.*
IT tried to auto-schedule her emails but Janine threatened to audit their vibe budgets. The attempt was abandoned.
The office now has a shrine next to the espresso machine that reads, “Let Janine Brew Before She Spews.”
She’s working on a morning memoir: *Brew or Be Burned.*
Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.
