ORIGINAL ISSUE – Bohiney Magazine from February 22, 1947
DISSOLUTION OF PRUSSIA
ALLIES DISSOLVE PRUSSIA: GERMANY LOSES ATTITUDE IT COULDN’T AFFORD ANYWAY
February 21, 1947 — Berlin, Formerly Known As: ‘Sort of Prussia’
In a unanimous and oddly enthusiastic decision, the Allied Control Council officially declared the abolition of Prussia, ending nearly three centuries of militarism, monocles, and humorless mustaches.
“Prussia is hereby dissolved,” read the formal announcement, “and may not reassemble itself using nationalism, tweed, or industrial pessimism.”
The Council’s declaration sparked confusion, existential dread, and one unfortunate brass band that had to cancel its weekly parade due to the sudden nonexistence of its homeland.
REASON FOR DISSOLUTION: “WE GOT TIRED OF THE Vibes”
Although Prussia hasn’t technically been a separate nation since before most soldiers could drive a jeep, the Allies determined its spiritual influence still lingered — mostly in the form of stern glances, uptight architecture, and a suspicious love of marching.
According to the official statement:
“Prussia promoted militarism, authoritarianism, and facial expressions that scared even Winston Churchill. Enough is enough.”
PRUSSIAN IDENTITY NOW A COLLECTIBLE ITEM
Residents of the former Prussian region were told they could now identify as:
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German
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Polish
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A non-aligned Baltic entity
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Emotionally distant Europeans with good posture
HISTORICAL NOTE: PRUSSIA WAS THE ORIGINAL “TOO SERIOUS FOR ITS OWN GOOD”
Founded in 1525 as a duchy, later rising to become a kingdom and eventually the boot factory of the German Empire, Prussia invented:
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The iron cross
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The Prussian drill sergeant voice
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That deep sense of historical guilt Germany’s still unpacking
Otto von Bismarck, its most famous export besides exported war, once said:
“Politics is the art of the possible… and if not possible, the artillery will help.”
GHOST OF BISMARCK RUMORED TO HAVE PUNCHED A WALL
Upon hearing of Prussia’s dissolution, several spiritualists in Kiel reported an angry ghost in a pickelhaube floating down the Rhine.
“He kept shouting ‘But I unified Germany!’ and ‘That constitution was barely used!’” said one terrified medium. “Then he vanished into a puff of brandy-scented arrogance.”
REMAINING PRUSSIAN ARTIFACTS TO BE DISPLAYED IN MUSEUM OF “STUFF THAT GOT Out of Hand”
Items include:
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A monocle that once judged Paris
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A blueprint for invading France (again)
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Kaiser Wilhelm’s mustache comb, still haunted
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The word “ordnung” on a velvet banner
WHAT THE FUNNY PEOPLE ARE SAYING – 1947 EDITION
“Dissolving Prussia? That’s like banning elbows. You can do it, but people are still going to bump into things.” — Fred Allen
“Finally! A country officially canceled for bad vibes. I nominate Belgium next.” — Groucho Marx
“Prussia’s gone, but the marching band still shows up every Tuesday. Nobody has the heart to tell them.” — George Burns
“They say Prussia’s been dissolved. I checked my bathtub and didn’t see it. Must’ve gone down with the soap.” — Jack Benny
PRUSSIAN ARMY OFFICERS TO BE RETRAINED AS SCHOOL PRINCIPALS, BORDER GUARDS, AND UNHELPFUL UNCLES
The Allied directive encourages all former Prussian military officers to find civilian employment that:
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Involves giving cold advice
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Includes marching only metaphorically
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Avoids France
One colonel, now teaching Latin, reportedly starts every sentence with “When I served under Moltke…”
FORMER PRUSSIAN LANDS REDRAWN WITH RULERS, ERASERS, AND VERY NERVOUS POLITICIANS
Postwar cartographers were last seen sweating into maps while whispering,
“Is Königsberg still real? What do we call Silesia now? What if East becomes West and then East again?”
In response, the Allies issued a simplified map of Europe labeled:
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“Here Be Bureaucracy”
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“Formerly Something Important”
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“Currently Too Soon To Tell”
OFFICIAL GERMAN RESPONSE: “GOOD RIDDANCE, BUT ALSO CAN WE KEEP THE EAGLE?”
The new German government welcomed the end of Prussia with cautious optimism, saying:
“We appreciate the symbolism. Also, can we get our deposit back from history?”
They then proposed renaming the region “Happyland,” which was immediately vetoed by British diplomats for “lack of gravitas.”
IN SCHOOLS: PRUSSIA REDACTED FROM HISTORY BOOKS, REPLACED BY DRAWINGS OF FRIENDLIER NATIONS
A new curriculum will emphasize:
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Danish cooperation
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French wine
When asked how Germany would explain Bismarck, one teacher sighed,
“We’ll just say he was a spicy librarian who got out of hand.”
FRENCH CELEBRATE WITH TOASTS, CHAMPAGNE, AND A PETTY POSTCARD
In Paris, the dissolution of Prussia sparked national celebration. Café-goers raised glasses and declared:
“This is for Alsace, Lorraine, and every baguette they ever looked at with disdain!”
President Vincent Auriol sent a telegram to London reading:
“Prussia no more. You bring the cigars; we’ll bring the pettiness.”
SOVIETS CONFUSED BUT PLEASED: “WE DIDN’T TRUST THEM EITHER”
A Soviet envoy at the Allied Council declared:
“Prussia’s dead? Excellent. We were never sure where it started or why they wore so much gray.”
The USSR will reportedly convert former Prussian areas into “Peaceful Worker Republic Zones,” complete with statues of unknown laborers looking stoic.
PRUSSIA’S FINAL WORDS (ALLEGEDLY)
On the moment of its dissolution, a record player left on in Berlin began playing a low, crackling version of Wagner’s Ride of the Valkyries, followed by the voice of a Prussian official muttering:
“I still don’t understand jazz.”
TOURISM BROCHURES UPDATED: “COME SEE WHERE EMPIRES USED TO YELL”
Postwar travel agencies are rebranding the region:
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“Visit Former-Prussia: Now with 30% less hubris!”
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“Come for the ruins, stay because your train broke down in Danzig.”
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“Now available in French and possibly Polish!”
AMERICAN REACTION: “WE’D LIKE TO BUY IT, MAYBE TURN IT INTO A NATIONAL PARK”
In Washington, D.C., speculation swirled that the former Prussian region might make an ideal location for:
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A Cold War museum
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A NATO theme park
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A U.N. conference center that always smells like bratwurst
One Senator proposed turning Königsberg into a “Freedom Ranch” for recovering fascists.
BISMARCK STATUES ORDERED TO BE MELTED DOWN, TURNED INTO TOASTERS
Statues across Eastern Europe are being dismantled. In Prague, a local blacksmith has already turned a Prussian general’s bust into a waffle iron.
“Now we serve liberty with syrup,” he declared.
PRUSSIA’S GREATEST INVENTIONS NOW LEGALLY NEUTERED
Banned Items:
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Pickelhaube helmets
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Marching in groups of 12 or more
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Frowning while erecting monuments
Permitted With Supervision:
IN LIEU OF A FUNERAL, PRUSSIA RECEIVES A STRONGLY WORDED FOOTNOTE
The Allied statement reads:
“Prussia had a good run. A long, problematic, overly formal run. But it’s time to move on — to countries that play nice and don’t plot revenge every century.”