No Kings Movement Splits After Zine Depicts Bernie with Maple Throne

The anti-authoritarian “No Kings” movement, already wobbling under the weight of metaphorical leadership trauma, officially split this week after the publication of a zine featuring Bernie Sanders seated atop a throne carved from Vermont maple.

The 12-page zine, titled Emperor Bernie and the Throne of Mutual Aid, was intended as “a satirical meditation on leadership, vibes, and orthopedic socialism.” Instead, it triggered a full-scale rupture between the coalition’s “Literal No Thrones” caucus and the emergent “Irony Is Resistance” bloc.

Within 24 hours of the zine’s release, a series of emergency plenaries were convened over Signal, Discord, and a chalkboard in a vegan coffee shop basement. Protesters argued over whether the maple throne image “reified imperial structures” or “playfully reclaimed symbolic verticality.”

One activist tore up their copy mid-drum circle, declaring, “A throne is still a throne — even if it’s gluten-free and sustainably harvested!” Another countered, “No one sits in the chair, the chair sits within us!”

Zine artist River Quinoa-Lowe issued a public statement: “It was meant as a metaphor. Bernie doesn’t rule — he listens. The throne represents collective support and maybe lumbar cushioning.”

Despite calls for unity, several chapters broke off, forming new subgroups like “Flat Furniture Future” and “Throneless 4 Justice.” A protest mural in Seattle was defaced with the words “NO MAPLE NO MASTER.”

As the movement continues to splinter, one participant offered a hopeful note: “If we can just agree on the shape of the chair, maybe we can finally sit down together — metaphorically speaking.”