Therapists Furious as Americans Report “Feeling Safer Already”

Trump’s Border Wall Rebranded as Emotional Support Fence

Therapists Furious as Americans Report “Feeling Safer Already”

EL PASO, TX — In a heartwarming twist nobody expected, former President Donald Trump has announced that the southern border wall is no longer a security barrier — it’s now classified as an “Emotional Support Fence.”

“People are stressed,” Trump told a crowd of lawn-chair patriots at a town hall sponsored by Bass Pro Shops. “They need boundaries. Literal ones.”

According to a poll conducted by Patriot Feelings Institute™, 73% of Trump supporters say just looking at photos of the wall helps with anxiety. “I don’t even live near the border,” said Brenda from Nebraska, “but just knowing it’s there… I sleep like a sedated cat.”

The rebranding comes with merchandise. Trump unveiled a plush, huggable wall segment called the “SnuggleWall™” for children born in red states. It comes with a voice box that repeats “We’re safe now” in his voice.

Democrats mocked the move until several quietly admitted the idea was “not entirely insane.” Meanwhile, licensed therapists are furious, saying the wall lacks “clinical empathy.” Trump responded, “It’s 30 feet tall and concrete. That’s the most masculine empathy there is.”

The emotional support classification also opens new funding options. Under Section 17 of the Comfort Infrastructure Act, fences with certified therapeutic properties qualify for Department of Health grants.

“We’re building barriers *and* trust,” Trump declared. “And for once, the wall pays for itself — emotionally.”

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SOURCES:

How to Be POTUS Without Reading Anything

and

How to Be POTUS Without Ever Apologizing