The Top Ten Reasons the Proud Boys Haven’t Assassinated Gavin Newsom Yet
Because let’s be honest—if you’ve ever seen these guys in action, the only thing they’ve successfully executed is a group discount at Buffalo Wild Wings.
They Can’t Agree on Who Brings the Snacks
Every meeting devolves into a fistfight about whether Mountain Dew Code Red or Monster Energy is the official drink of revolution. Democracy fails before the coup even starts.
They Got Lost in Sacramento Traffic
Turns out, storming a Capitol is easier when it has one road leading to it (see: January 6th). Sacramento’s gridlock defeated them before they even found the governor’s mansion.
Their GPS Keeps Redirecting Them to the Nearest Bass Pro Shops
Every time they type in “Governor’s House,” the app just says: “Recalculating … sporting goods on aisle 7.”
They’re Still Fundraising for Gas Money
Conspiracies don’t pay the bills. When your militia is funded by Facebook donations and GoFundMe scams, it takes a long time to fill a lifted F-150.
Newsom Is Too Handsome to Hate Efficiently
They’ve admitted it: “The man’s got hair like a shampoo commercial. Hard to pull a trigger when you’re wondering what conditioner he uses.”
They Keep Getting Distracted by Target Sales
Nothing derails domestic terrorism quite like a 2-for-1 deal on cargo shorts and tactical socks.
They Can’t Find Sacramento on a Map
Geography was never their strong suit. Half of them still think California is an island that voted for socialism.
They’re on Probation
Turns out when you storm state capitols and brawl with antifa, judges don’t let you carry guns across state lines anymore. Minor technicality.
They’re Waiting for Trump to Text Them Permission
The Proud Boys are like teenage boys who can’t go to the prom without dad’s signature. Until Trump hits “send” on Truth Social, it’s all idle chatter.
They Already Spent All Their Ammo Shooting Bud Light Cans
How do you assassinate a governor when you’ve wasted every bullet proving beer is woke? Priorities, people.
https://medium.com/@leem66477/proud-boys-havent-knocked-off-gavin-f6969b1e9f6d