Michigan’s Bold New HR Policy: Fire Everyone Who Slept at Work
Michigan football finally solved workplace ethics the same way toddlers solve arguments over toys. Nobody gets the toy. Everybody goes to time-out. Adults call this accountability. HR calls it a lawsuit mitigation strategy. Fans call it the only thing that makes sense.
The university’s current stance appears to be: if an affair happens between a boss and a staffer, only the man gets fired, because apparently adults lose agency the moment they step onto campus and see a laminated credential. That logic works great if your goal is to look morally serious while still confusing everyone.
So here’s a radical proposal that will absolutely horrify modern administrators. Fire both of them.
Not “reassign.” Not “counsel.” Not “place on administrative leave while we issue a statement written by a committee of attorneys who hate joy.” Fire. As in box, badge, awkward walk past coworkers pretending not to look.
The Revolutionary Idea of Mutual Consequences in Workplace Affairs
Somehow we’ve reached a cultural moment where two grown adults can carry on an affair at work, but only one of them is treated like a functioning human capable of decision-making. The other is described like a leaf caught in a strong wind, helplessly blown into repeated private meetings and emotional text messages.
This is not empowerment. This is a Disney movie rewrite where Snow White files expense reports.
Affairs are not workplace accidents. Nobody slips on a wet floor and falls into a secret relationship. There is no warning sign that says “Caution: May Lead to Emotional Entanglement and HR Nightmare.” These things require planning, coordination, lying, and a shared Google calendar. That’s teamwork.
If teamwork matters on the field, it matters in scandals too.
HR’s Favorite Fairy Tale: The Passive Adult in Power Dynamics
The current defense sounds like this: the subordinate cannot be punished because power imbalance. Translation: once a hierarchy exists, one party becomes legally indistinguishable from a Roomba.
This creates a fascinating precedent. If the boss commits wrongdoing, the subordinate is a victim. If the subordinate benefits professionally, that’s coincidence. If the emails are explicit, that’s context. If the raises line up suspiciously, that’s unrelated professional growth.
Somewhere in Ann Arbor, a sociology professor just spilled their coffee laughing.
Adults are adults. Consent exists. Bad judgment exists. You do not lose free will because someone else signs your performance review. Otherwise every office romance is either a felony or a fairy tale, depending on who writes the press release.
Equality Looks a Lot Like Equal Unemployment
Here’s the uncomfortable truth nobody in administration wants to say out loud. Treating one party as untouchable is not fairness. It is infantilization dressed up as progress.
Real equality means everyone involved in blowing up the workplace culture gets shown the exit. Same door. Same cardboard box. Same security guard pretending this is totally normal.
You want deterrence? Fire both.
You want credibility? Fire both.
You want fans to stop making jokes about your HR department being run by a magic eight ball? Fire both.
The idea that consequences only apply upward is how you end up with policies nobody respects and scandals nobody believes are truly resolved.
The Athletic Department’s Greatest Illusion: Selective Accountability
College football departments love structure. Playbooks. Depth charts. Chain of command. Then the moment a scandal hits, suddenly everything is vibes and ambiguity.
We’re told discipline must be precise, narrow, policy-driven. Except the policy somehow missed the part where adults engaging in secret relationships at work might be bad for morale, trust, and basic professionalism.
That’s like having a rulebook that covers illegal formations but forgets to mention punching referees.
If the relationship violated ethics, it violated ethics for both. If it damaged the institution, it did not do so unilaterally. Affairs are partnerships. So should be the consequences.
A Modest Proposal for Michigan and Everyone Else
Here’s a simple rule that even a football program can understand.
If two employees have an undisclosed affair that compromises integrity, professionalism, or workplace trust, both are fired. No moral gymnastics. No linguistic contortions. No press conference explaining how accountability actually means selective discipline.
This does not mean ignoring power dynamics. It means acknowledging reality. Adults make choices. Some of those choices are bad. Workplaces are allowed to say, “Not here.”
The alternative is what we have now: a policy so carefully worded it accidentally implies half the staff are incapable of independent thought.
Final Whistle: Consistency or Optics?
Nobody is asking for public shaming or medieval punishment. Just consistency. If the affair is wrong enough to end one career, it is wrong enough to end two.
Fire the coach. Fire the staffer. Clean the mess. Move on.
Otherwise, stop pretending this is about ethics. It’s about optics. And optics don’t win championships, lawsuits, or arguments on the internet.