Steve Sarkisian Refuses to Execute Colin Simmons at Midfield, Sports Internet Demands Accountability
Texas Longhorns Coach Disciplines Player, Wins Game, Still Fails Nation’s New Requirement That Every Mistake Become a Three-Day Morality Seminar
AUSTIN, Texas — University of Texas football coach Steve Sarkisian found himself defending an increasingly radical proposition this week: when a college football player does something stupid, a coach can correct him without launching the young man from a trebuchet into Oklahoma.
The controversy began during Texas’ 20-17 victory over Tennessee, when edge rusher Colin Simmons sacked Tennessee quarterback Faizon Brandon and followed the play with a mock urination celebration.
It was dumb.
There. Investigation complete.
The officials assessed Simmons an unsportsmanlike-conduct penalty. Because the foul occurred after a sack on third-and-13, Tennessee received 15 yards and a first down.
That is what experts in the increasingly obscure field of football call a “consequence.”
Sarkisian Commits Unforgivable Coaching Sin: He Coaches Player
Sarkisian then removed Simmons, addressed the behavior, and later put him back into the game. The Yahoo Sports account reports Sarkisian explaining that he wasn’t going to impose the equivalent of capital punishment for one unsportsmanlike-conduct penalty.
This was apparently insufficient.
America had seen enough.
Not of Simmons.
Of proportionality.
Within minutes, social media established an emergency tribunal consisting of approximately 14,000 people named “SEC_Dawg1776,” “FootballDad47,” and “RealSportsTruth,” each possessing the disciplinary wisdom normally associated with Marcus Aurelius.
Several demanded Simmons face discipline.
Others questioned Sarkisian’s leadership.
One critic reportedly suggested Sarkisian would never make it in the NFL.
Sarkisian’s NFL Résumé Turns the Critic’s Insult Into a Punchline
This would be devastating news to Steve Sarkisian, particularly if someone travels backward through time and informs him before he becomes quarterbacks coach for the Oakland Raiders in 2004 and offensive coordinator of the Atlanta Falcons from 2017 through 2018. (His coaching career is, unfortunately for the critic, a matter of public record.)
“Steve, terrible news,” a time traveler presumably tells him.
“What?”
“You’ll never coach in the NFL.”
Sark looks around the Falcons facility.
“This NFL?”
“Yes. But Twitter has spoken.”
The incident demonstrates the revolutionary new theory of American sports discipline: if a punishment happens without destroying somebody, it didn’t happen.
Simmons was penalized.
He was taken out.
His coach talked to him.
He returned.
That used to be approximately what coaches were employed to do.
Apparently we have moved beyond coaching.
Now the proper procedure is to stop the game, establish a congressional subcommittee, hire an independent investigator, suspend the player indefinitely, release a 1,700-word statement beginning with “We take these matters very seriously,” schedule sensitivity training, arrange a candlelight vigil and require the athletic director to appear on ESPN wearing the expression of a man whose Labrador just joined ISIS.
Only then may second down proceed.
Colin Simmons’ Record 5.5 Sacks Against Tennessee Interfere With the National Emergency
There is another irritating fact interfering with the national emergency.
Colin Simmons had an astonishing game.
Texas officially credited him with 5.5 sacks for 55 yards lost, nine tackles and a forced fumble, setting a Texas single-game sack record and tying the SEC single-game mark. He became the first FBS player in two decades with at least five sacks against a ranked opponent.
Naturally, nobody should excuse the penalty because he played brilliantly.
But perhaps we can acknowledge both events without suffering a neurological emergency.
He made a stupid gesture.
He also produced one of the greatest pass-rushing performances in Texas history.
Human beings possess this remarkable ability to hold two ideas simultaneously, although social media engineers continue working tirelessly to eliminate it.
Texas finished with 10 sacks and held Tennessee to only 221 total yards. The Volunteers entered the game averaging 510.3 yards and 47.7 points per game. Texas held the offense to 10 points, with Tennessee’s other touchdown coming on a punt return.
That is not exactly evidence of Sarkisian losing control of the football program.
It is evidence that Tennessee quarterbacks should have requested witness protection.
Simmons spent so much time in the Tennessee backfield that Knoxville may begin charging him property tax.
At one point the Tennessee quarterback probably looked at the huddle and asked, “Does anybody know why No. 11 keeps attending our meetings?”
The answer was apparently no.
America Discovers Proportional Punishment in College Football Discipline
The fascinating thing about the outrage is that Sarkisian did not defend the celebration.
He did not announce a new University of Texas Urination Arts Department.
He did not award Simmons three academic credits.
He did not approach the podium and declare, “At Texas, we believe every end zone should smell faintly of a truck stop.”
He addressed it.
That should ordinarily end the discussion.
But sports discourse has entered an age where correcting somebody is considered weakness unless the correction leaves a crater.
A waiter drops a fork?
Fire him.
A quarterback celebrates too long?
Suspend him.
A coach declines to suspend him?
Fire the coach.
Athletic director refuses?
Fire him too.
University president remains silent?
Shut down the university.
Governor refuses to intervene?
Texas must be returned to Mexico.
This is the natural progression of internet accountability.
Three Award Organizations Honor Simmons as National Defensive Player of the Week
The Chuck Bednarik Award, Bronko Nagurski Trophy and Walter Camp Award organizations subsequently named Simmons national player of the week.
Apparently these groups committed the antiquated mistake of examining what happened during the football game.
This is dangerous.
If allowed to continue, sports organizations might start judging defensive ends by tackles, sacks, pressures and forced fumbles.
Where does that lead?
Game film?
Wins?
Before long somebody may suggest football players should be evaluated according to football.
Civilization cannot survive that kind of extremism.
Sarkisian’s Approach to Player Accountability Was Almost Suspiciously Sensible
Consider what actually happened.
A talented young athlete behaved badly.
His conduct hurt his team.
The referee punished the team.
His coach removed him.
His coach addressed him.
His coach returned him to competition.
The player continued playing.
Texas won.
That is not the collapse of accountability.
That is accountability, with the additional benefit of allowing the person being corrected to demonstrate that the correction worked.
Coaching is development.
If every immature act results in immediate exile, coaches are no longer coaches.
They are nightclub bouncers with headsets.
The purpose is to teach players that selfish behavior can hurt the team, then get them focused again.
Sarkisian even connected the incident to the broader “look at me” culture surrounding modern sports and social media.
And judging by the reaction online, his argument was immediately supported by several thousand people racing onto social media to announce:
LOOK AT ME. I HAVE AN OPINION ABOUT THIS.
The irony arrived wearing shoulder pads.
The Internet Demands Tough Leadership From Somewhere Safely Away From the Internet
There is tremendous courage involved in demanding severe punishment for someone else’s mistake.
It requires a smartphone.
Sometimes Wi-Fi.
Occasionally a recliner.
The modern armchair disciplinarian watches a 21-year-old athlete make a poor decision in front of 100,000 screaming fans and announces:
“I would never do something immature under pressure.”
Sir, yesterday you threatened a DoorDash driver because your ranch dressing was missing.
Perhaps we should maintain perspective.
Simmons deserved the penalty.
Sarkisian was right to address him.
And Sarkisian was equally right not to transform one stupid celebration into the Nuremberg Trials with Gatorade.
That is not weakness.
That is coaching.
Texas left Neyland Stadium 4-0 after beating a ranked Tennessee team 20-17.
Simmons left with a school sack record.
Sarkisian left with another victory.
And the internet left with something even more valuable:
a reason to remain furious until the next teenager celebrates incorrectly.
By then, fortunately, another national emergency will have arrived.
Perhaps somebody will spike a football.
15 Humorous Observations About the Sarkisian-Simmons Penalty Outrage
- Steve Sarkisian’s greatest mistake was assuming an unsportsmanlike-conduct penalty could remain an unsportsmanlike-conduct penalty instead of becoming a referendum on Western civilization.
- Colin Simmons made an immature celebration, received a 15-yard penalty, got pulled from the game, was addressed by his coaches, returned, and continued playing. Apparently this is now known as “refusing to discipline him.”
- The modern sports fan does not want accountability. He wants medieval accountability with instant replay.
- Simmons recorded 5.5 sacks, but apparently his NFL future will be determined by approximately four seconds of pantomime.
- Sarkisian said he wasn’t going to give Simmons the death penalty over one unsportsmanlike-conduct flag. The internet immediately formed a sentencing commission.
- Nothing demonstrates mature leadership quite like adults on social media demanding that a college kid’s career be destroyed because he acted like a college kid.
- Texas actually paid for the stunt immediately. The penalty converted a Tennessee third-and-long into a first down. Apparently consequences only count if accompanied by a public flogging.
- Sark pulled Simmons, addressed the conduct, and returned him to the game. That sounds suspiciously like coaching.
- Sports commentary now operates under airline-baggage rules: every offense must be dramatically oversized before it can be checked.
- One commentator reportedly warned Sark he would “never make it in the NFL,” which is an especially ambitious prediction about a man who already coached for the Raiders and Falcons.
- Simmons was subsequently named national defensive player of the week by three major award organizations, proving football evaluators remain stubbornly interested in football.
- Five-and-a-half sacks used to mean you terrorized an offense. Now it apparently means investigators must review your mime technique.
- Tennessee entered the game with one of America’s most productive offenses. Simmons helped reduce it to 221 yards. Somewhere, a columnist responded, “Yes, but what about decorum?”
- Social media’s favorite punishment is always one level below deportation, regardless of the original offense.
- Sarkisian’s real scandal may be believing the purpose of coaching is correcting young players rather than feeding them into the internet outrage wood chipper.
Disclaimer
This story is satire created entirely through a human collaboration between two sentient beings: the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. No players were executed, deported, placed before congressional committees or launched from a trebuchet during the preparation of this report. Steve Sarkisian remains permitted to coach football, at least until somebody checks social media again.