Recovering addict turned TV analyst says Dallas is hooked on its own publicity
ARLINGTON, Texas — Coach Doyle “Possum” Pritchard, a 57-year-old ninth-grade football coach, former college athlete, recovering addict, and occasional television analyst, has delivered what sports commentators are calling the most brutally honest assessment of the Dallas Cowboys since somebody first suggested they try tackling.
“The Cowboys are high all the time,” Pritchard announced during an interview on Fourth Down and Bad Decisions, a regional sports television program broadcast from a converted tire dealership outside Fort Worth.
“High on money. High on attention. High on themselves. I spent a good portion of my adult life chasing a buzz, and I’ve never seen anybody more intoxicated by absolutely nothing than the Dallas Cowboys.”
Pritchard, who coaches freshmen at Possum Creek High School and receives $85 per television appearance, insisted Dallas would struggle against Barbie Junior High School’s eighth-grade football team.
“And I’m not talking about their starters,” he said. “I’m talking about the kids who forgot their cleats.”
Dallas Cowboys Addiction Symptoms: A Former Addict Spots Them Immediately
Pritchard’s assessment followed Dallas’s 33-30 overtime loss to the Arizona Cardinals, during which the Cowboys surrendered a 14-point lead, having led 17-3 earlier in the game.
Arizona backup quarterback Gardner Minshew entered the game in the third quarter and led four consecutive touchdown drives before the Cardinals won it in overtime.
“That’s not football,” Pritchard explained. “That’s a community outreach program for quarterbacks with low self-esteem.”
The coach said his own struggles with alcohol and prescription painkillers had given him an unusual perspective on professional athletics.
“I played college ball. I hurt my knee. I started taking pills. Then I started drinking. Eventually, I couldn’t tell whether I was celebrating a victory or trying to forget a loss.”
He paused and took a long sip from a coffee mug that read WORLD’S OKAYEST COACH.
“Then I got help. I learned how to recognize denial, excuses, and self-destructive behavior. That’s why I can watch the Cowboys for seven minutes and recognize every bad decision I ever made.”
Asked whether he was suggesting actual drug use among Cowboys players, Pritchard clarified his remarks.
“I don’t know what those fellas put in their bodies. I’m talking about being high on your own press clippings. Dallas has been smoking its own reputation since the mid-nineties.”
Barbie Junior High Football Team Accepts the Challenge
Barbie Junior High School, a small educational institution whose football uniforms are pink and whose defensive coordinator also teaches home economics, reportedly welcomed the comparison.
Head coach Patricia “The Hammer” Jenkins, 42, said her eighth-graders would happily play the Cowboys provided Dallas supplied transportation and agreed not to complain about the officiating.
“We have 23 players, six helmets that fit properly, and a quarterback who still needs permission to use the restroom,” Jenkins explained.
“But we understand the difference between offense and defense.”
Barbie’s middle linebacker, 93-pound eighth-grader Madison “Lunch Money” Wilkins, was reportedly unimpressed by Dallas’s professional reputation.
“My daddy says they make millions of dollars,” Wilkins said. “I watched the game. What for?”
Minutes from a recent Barbie Junior High Athletic Boosters meeting, obtained by this publication, show the group voted 9-0 to spend $40 on orange slices for the season and unanimously declined a request from the Cowboys’ front office for “a scrimmage, a loan, and a ride.” Under new business, the minutes list a motion to “stop letting Dallas know our practice schedule,” which carried by voice vote. A booster identified only as Linda moved to adjourn after noting the Cowboys had not yet explained what “a ride” meant.
Pritchard believes the mismatch favors the junior high school.
“Madison weighs 93 pounds, eats strawberry yogurt before practice, and once tackled a school bus because somebody told her it was holding the football.”
He added that the eighth-graders possess an enormous advantage over Dallas.
“They listen when somebody tells them what to do.”
Athlete Addiction and Recovery: What It’s Really Like
During the interview, Pritchard offered a more personal explanation of how addiction can intersect with competitive athletics.
“Athletes learn early that pain is weakness, injuries are obstacles, and asking for help means somebody else gets your position,” he said.
“That’s a dangerous lesson to carry into the rest of your life.”
He recalled convincing himself that drinking after games was celebration, drinking after losses was therapy, and drinking on ordinary Tuesdays was preparation.
“Eventually, every day became a special occasion.”
Pritchard described the isolation of addiction as particularly difficult for athletes accustomed to applause.
“People cheer when you play hurt. Nobody cheers when you admit you’re hurting.”
He said his recovery began when he stopped treating every criticism as a personal attack.
“The hardest thing I ever did was sit in a room and tell twelve strangers I couldn’t control my drinking. The second hardest was watching Dallas try to defend a screen pass.”
The NCAA Student-Athlete Health and Wellness Study examined substance use and other health concerns among approximately 23,000 college athletes, a sample size Pritchard noted is still smaller than the number of people who have told him “this is our year.”
Pritchard said he wanted young athletes to understand that recovery involves accountability rather than shame. Anyone struggling can reach the SAMHSA National Helpline, and the National Institute on Drug Abuse explains the science in Drugs, Brains, and Behavior: The Science of Addiction.
“Getting help isn’t quitting. It’s the first time you’re actually fighting for something worth winning.”
He then returned to the Cowboys.
“Now, Dallas needs a different kind of intervention. They’re not addicted to drugs as far as I know. They’re addicted to being told they’re wonderful.”
Cowboys Defense Accused of Social Distancing From Tackles
According to the official Dallas Cowboys game recap, Arizona running back Tyler Allgeier rushed for 147 yards on just 11 carries.
“That’s 13.4 yards a carry,” Pritchard said. “I’ve seen more resistance from a revolving door at Walmart.”
He explained that his ninth-grade defenders would be punished for allowing such production.
“First time, I’d make them run laps. Second time, I’d call their parents. Third time, I’d ask if they were secretly working for Arizona.”
Dallas, he argued, has developed a defensive philosophy based on allowing opponents to express themselves.
“They don’t tackle. They affirm.”
Pritchard demonstrated the Cowboys’ tackling technique by extending both arms, smiling warmly, and stepping aside.
“Go ahead, son. You’ve got dreams. Don’t let me stand in your way.”
The television host asked whether the coach might be exaggerating.
“Buddy, they gave up four straight touchdown drives to a backup quarterback. I’m having trouble exaggerating enough.”
Jerry Jones and the Most Expensive Support Group in the NFL
Pritchard reserved special criticism for Cowboys owner Jerry Jones, whom he described as the world’s most successful dealer in football optimism.
“Jerry doesn’t sell championships. He sells the feeling you’re about to win a championship.”
The analyst compared Dallas’s annual expectations to the denial he once experienced during addiction.
“Every September, Cowboys fans say this year will be different. Every November, somebody starts explaining how they can still make the playoffs if Philadelphia loses to three people who aren’t even playing.”
The Cowboys, he suggested, have turned disappointment into an exceptionally profitable business. A memo said to be circulating inside the team’s Frisco facility, and reviewed by this publication, appears to support the theory. Under the heading “Fan Retention Q&A,” it reads: “Q: What if we lose again? A: Raise the price of beer. Q: What if we lose by a lot? A: Raise the price of parking. Q: What if we win? A: See attached contingency plan, which is blank.”
“Most companies lose customers when their product fails,” Pritchard said. “Dallas raises ticket prices.”
In Pritchard’s assessment, the organization has mastered the art of eliminating the connection between performance and compensation.
“At Barbie Junior High, you miss a tackle, you’re running laps. In Dallas, you miss a tackle, your agent requests a guaranteed contract extension.”
A Recovery Program for the Dallas Cowboys
Asked what the Cowboys should do to improve, Pritchard proposed a straightforward treatment plan.
“First, admit you have a problem. Second, stop blaming the refs. Third, learn to tackle. Fourth, quit acting like the star on your helmet entitles you to a star on the scoreboard.”
He recommended that Dallas spend one week practicing alongside Barbie Junior High.
“The eighth-graders can teach them fundamentals. The Cowboys can teach the kids how to negotiate contracts without accomplishing anything.”
Pritchard also suggested introducing performance-based accountability, eliminating unnecessary television interviews, and requiring every player to watch the Arizona game without using the words unlucky, momentum, or execution.
“The first guy who says ‘we just need to clean up a few things’ has to clean the actual locker room.”
A spokesperson for the Possum Creek school district, Linda Gaither, said the district “fully supports Coach Pritchard’s right to speak freely on matters of public concern” and reminded him that he remains on the schedule for Thursday hall duty. Gaither declined to say whether the district had a position on the Cowboys, citing a long-standing policy of not commenting on things that hurt.
Cowboys Fans May Need an Immediate Intervention
Pritchard said the largest group suffering from Dallas’s repeated failures is not necessarily the players.
It’s the fans.
“These people have been chasing the same high for thirty years,” he explained. “Every season they buy the jerseys, pay for parking, barbecue an entire cow, and convince themselves this is finally the year.”
He compared Cowboys fandom to his own experience with denial.
“When I was drinking, I always had a reason tomorrow would be different. Cowboys fans have been saying that since Clinton was president.”
The interviewer asked whether he believed supporters could ever break the cycle.
“Sure. There’s hope for everybody. They just have to admit they can’t control Jerry Jones.”
The Final Diagnosis: Barbie Junior High vs. Dallas Cowboys
The interview concluded when the host asked Pritchard to predict the outcome of an actual game between Dallas and Barbie Junior High.
Pritchard considered the question carefully.
“Barbie wins, 24-17.”
The host appeared shocked.
“You think the Cowboys would score seventeen?”
“Well, Barbie’s got an eighth-grade kicker,” he explained. “She’s been struggling with distance. Might give Dallas pretty good field position.”
Asked whether his own experience with addiction made him more sympathetic toward the Cowboys, the coach nodded.
“Absolutely. I know what it’s like to lose control. I know what it’s like to disappoint people who believe in you. And I know what it’s like to wake up Monday morning wondering what the hell happened Sunday night.”
He looked directly into the television camera.
“But I got sober, took responsibility, and changed my life.”
Then he delivered his final assessment.
“I recovered from addiction. Dallas has been recovering from its last Super Bowl for thirty years, and apparently they’re still on the waiting list.”
The television station reportedly invited Pritchard to return the following week.
Barbie Junior High immediately requested a home-and-home series.
The Cowboys were unavailable for comment, although their defense was reportedly still waiting for Gardner Minshew to finish running through it.
15 Humorous Observations: The Dallas Cowboys, Addiction, and the Eighth-Grade Team That Could Beat Them
- The Dallas Cowboys are high all the time. Not necessarily on drugs. Their preferred intoxicant is the belief that winning three games qualifies them for a Super Bowl parade.
- Barbie Junior High’s eighth-grade team could beat Dallas. The girls have something the Cowboys haven’t demonstrated in years: an organized defense and the ability to follow instructions.
- The Cowboys are America’s Team because everybody in America has a relative who keeps promising to get his life together next year.
- Dallas has all the symptoms of addiction: denial, repeated disappointment, unrealistic optimism, and an elderly man financing the whole operation.
- Gardner Minshew came off the bench and turned the Dallas defense into a supervised recreational activity. Arizona won 33-30 in overtime after trailing 17-3. That’s not a comeback, that’s a hostage rescue where the hostages are holding the door open.
- Dallas defenders don’t tackle anymore. They provide emotional support while opposing running backs pursue their dreams.
- Barbie Junior High practices three times a week. Dallas practices explaining what went wrong three times a week.
- The average eighth-grader understands consequences better than the Cowboys. Forget your homework, lose recess. Forget your coverage assignment, receive $8 million.
- Cowboys fans are the real addicts. Every September they swear this season will be different, and every November they’re drinking heavily while explaining the playoff mathematics.
- Jerry Jones has confused owning a football team with operating a rehabilitation center for unrealized potential.
- An eighth-grade quarterback calls an audible when he sees trouble. Dallas calls a press conference after trouble has scored 30 points.
- The Cowboys have an incredible tolerance for humiliation. Every ordinary team would have hit rock bottom years ago. Dallas installed luxury suites beneath it.
- Barbie Junior High’s cheerleaders are more intimidating than Dallas linebackers. At least the cheerleaders know when to move together.
- The first step toward recovery is admitting you have a problem. Dallas has instead announced a revolutionary four-step program: merchandising, optimism, contract extensions, and blaming injuries.
- The difference between addiction and Cowboys football is that people in recovery are encouraged to stop repeating destructive behavior. Dallas calls repeating destructive behavior a franchise tradition.