Football, Dinner and Zero Explanations Top the List
DALLAS, Texas — A growing movement of dangerously normal Americans is demanding recognition of a previously overlooked constitutional liberty: the right to wake up in the morning, drink a cup of coffee and not give a damn what happened in Washington overnight.
The movement began when 54-year-old plumber Frank Henderson informed his family that he intended to spend Sunday watching football without discussing Donald Trump, congressional investigations, Supreme Court decisions or the political beliefs of whichever millionaire happened to be singing at halftime.
His announcement triggered an immediate family emergency.
“That’s exactly what somebody on the other side would say,” his daughter declared.
“I’m on the side of the Dallas Cowboys,” Henderson replied. “Unfortunately, that’s already given me enough disappointment for one lifetime.”
The family group chat took over from there. Henderson’s wife later screenshotted the exchange and kept it in a drawer with the warranty cards.
Daughter, 7:42 p.m.: Dad are you saying you don’t have an opinion on the border
Henderson, 7:43 p.m.: I have an opinion on the border between the Cowboys and a first down
Daughter, 7:43 p.m.: This is how democracies fall
Henderson, 7:44 p.m.: Pass the chips
Political Neutrality Is Now Considered Extremism in America
In modern America, having no political opinion is treated as evidence that you’re secretly hiding a particularly offensive one. Democrats suspect politically neutral people are Republicans who haven’t come out of the closet. Republicans suspect they’re Democrats who haven’t paid their taxes. Cable news suspects they’re potential customers who haven’t been frightened enough yet. And social media influencers suspect they’re dead.
Henderson insists he’s not uninformed. He simply believes the president can survive one afternoon without his personal assessment of foreign policy.
“I’ve got a toilet leaking in the guest bathroom,” he explained. “Nobody in Washington has called to ask my opinion about that, either.”
Pew Research Data Shows Americans Suffer From Chronic Political Fatigue
The exhaustion is more than a punchline. A Pew Research Center study of American political dissatisfaction found that 65% of Americans frequently felt exhausted by politics, while just 4% frequently felt excited.
Researchers did not establish whether the excited 4% were politicians, television producers or people who enjoy watching other people’s marriages collapse.
A Pew study on news fatigue also found that 52% of American adults felt worn out by the sheer volume of news. The American Psychological Association’s Stress in America research has tracked similar strain for years, usually in the same paragraph as the words “election” and “lie down.”
Henderson considered the findings encouraging.
“That means the rest of America might finally shut up,” he said.
His optimism lasted until his wife showed him a 47-minute political argument beneath a Facebook photograph of a golden retriever.
Thanksgiving Dinner Politics Now Run on Congressional Rules of Procedure
Political disputes have become so common that one suburban family reportedly introduced parliamentary procedure to Thanksgiving dinner. Before asking for the gravy, guests must disclose their political affiliations. Requests for additional mashed potatoes require bipartisan approval. The cranberry sauce has been moved to neutral territory monitored by Grandma.
The minutes from last year’s meal, kept by the host’s sister-in-law and obtained by this publication, read in part:
Item 3. Motion to pass the rolls carried 6 to 4. Item 4. Uncle Dale ruled out of order for the phrase “wake up, sheeple.” Item 5. Cranberry sauce tabled until after pie. Item 6. Meeting adjourned at 4:10 p.m. when the dog ate the agenda.
Anyone mentioning immigration while carving the turkey must first explain why nobody in the family volunteered to cook.
Grandma Eleanor, 82, has threatened to filibuster Christmas unless everyone starts behaving like adults.
“I survived the Cold War,” she said. “I refuse to be defeated by a discussion about electric vehicles.”
Hollywood Celebrity Endorsements Meet Voter Fatigue
Hollywood celebrities have expressed particular alarm at the growing number of Americans who believe actors should concentrate on acting.
One awards-show speech now begins: “Before accepting this award for pretending to be a divorced astronaut, I must explain how you should vote in your local school-board election.”
The audience consists of three celebrities crying, seven publicists applauding and millions of Americans changing channels.
Henderson wondered why the man who played a talking raccoon was qualified to instruct him on agricultural subsidies.
“He’s welcome to an opinion,” Henderson said. “I’m welcome not to care about it.”
Congress Weighs a Federal Department of Mind Your Own Business
Lawmakers, alarmed by the possibility of Americans enjoying their lives independently of Congress, have proposed establishing the Federal Office of Nonpartisan Emotional Engagement. Its mission would be to investigate citizens who fail to express sufficient anger about current events. The agency would employ 14,000 people, maintain six regional offices and issue mandatory weekly statements explaining why everybody should be furious.
A memo circulated among House staffers and shared with this publication lays out the strategy in plain terms:
RE: Constituents Reporting Contentment. Members are advised that any voter who says “I’m fine” should be treated as an unmonitored risk. Please prepare a statement that makes them less fine. Do not use the word “relax.” Do not use the word “nap.”
Henderson said the country already had an institution performing that function.
“It’s called the internet.”
Meanwhile, his movement has adopted three unofficial demands: the freedom to vote privately, the freedom not to disclose one’s political preferences and the freedom to attend a wedding without somebody explaining the Electoral College.
His final statement attracted widespread bipartisan condemnation.
“I love my country. I pay my taxes. I vote. I just don’t want to spend the rest of my life arguing with a stranger whose profile picture is a bald eagle holding a machine gun.”
Political commentators immediately demanded to know which party the eagle supported.
Five Observations on Minding Your Own Business
- Everybody says they hate politics, but nobody leaves the group chat. It’s the only hostage situation where everybody’s holding their own phone.
- Thanksgiving is the one meal where you’re expected to sit next to a man who thinks the moon landing was a Pixar short and pass him the potatoes with a smile. That’s not dinner. That’s diplomacy with gravy.
- I have never once changed my mind because of a comment under a dog photo. The dog’s the only one in that thread behaving with any dignity.
- Celebrities telling me how to vote is like my plumber telling me how to act. I’d listen, sure, but he can fix the leak first.
- That bald eagle holding a machine gun isn’t a profile picture. That’s a cry for help with a tiny flag on it.