Chickens Demand Apology as Economists Quit

DETROIT, Michigan — After decades of economic research, Americans finally know why groceries cost so much.

It’s Israel.

Not inflation. Not energy prices. Not government spending. Not transportation costs. Not bird flu. Not the Federal Reserve.

Israel.

Rebellion PAC Ad Ties Israel Egg Prices to Bananas

The discovery comes from Rebellion PAC, a progressive political group supporting Michigan Democratic Senate candidate Abdul El-Sayed. It released a remarkable advertisement explaining that Americans can’t afford eggs and bananas because the United States provides military assistance to Israel.

The advertisement features a couple shopping for groceries. The woman tells her companion to put back a carton of eggs because they must reserve seven dollars for killing Palestinians.

This is apparently how modern retail economics works.

At Kroger, seven dollars buys eggs.

At Walmart, seven dollars buys bananas.

And somewhere in Jerusalem, seven dollars buys an impressive military operation, provided the Pentagon remembers to bring its own coupons.

The advertisement was produced independently of El-Sayed’s campaign, which said it had no role in making it. Unfortunately, the people attempting to help him apparently believe economic policy should be written by whoever was last rejected for a credit card.

A Rebellion PAC spokesperson told reporters the group spent $1,000 running the spot online, and the footage was recycled from founder Cenk Uygur’s earlier presidential campaign, according to the Jerusalem Post’s report. A thousand dollars buys a lot of eggs. It also buys a national controversy, apparently, if you already own the footage.

Michigan Chickens Accused of Setting Israel Egg Prices

The first problem with the advertisement is agricultural.

Eggs come from chickens.

For most of human history, this arrangement has been reasonably well understood, even by people who work in Congress.

Yet progressive campaign strategists have apparently discovered that chickens are merely intermediaries in an international military procurement scheme.

Under this theory, a hen in Lansing wakes up, checks the latest congressional appropriations bill, contacts the Israeli Defense Ministry, and decides whether breakfast will cost $3.50 or $7.

Farmers have suspected for years that chickens were politically unreliable, but nobody thought they had access to military intelligence.

The U.S. Department of Agriculture’s Economic Research Service tracks egg prices in its Food Price Outlook and points to avian influenza, production costs and supply disruptions. Rebellion PAC has apparently developed a competing scientific hypothesis:

The rooster is on the payroll.

Agricultural economists are reportedly horrified.

Farmers are delighted. At last, somebody else is getting blamed for expensive food.

Dwight Pruett, an agricultural economist who has tracked egg markets for thirty-one years, said egg prices come down to flock size, feed costs and avian flu.

“In thirty-one years I have never once had to call Jerusalem,” Pruett said. “I’ve called a lot of hatcheries. A couple of them even called back.”

One Michigan poultry producer can now explain every production problem with a single sentence.

“Don’t look at me. Call Jerusalem.”

The farmer no longer needs to worry about feed prices, labor costs or disease outbreaks. He just needs a foreign-policy consultant and a chicken with diplomatic immunity.

A receipt from a Lansing grocery store, reviewed by this reporter, lists a dozen eggs at $2.79 and a bunch of bananas at $1.34. A third line reads “Foreign aid surcharge” and is blank. The cashier confirmed the register has no button for it.

Federal data isn’t helping the theory either. Egg prices have fallen sharply from their peak as avian flu cases eased, which would mean Israel has been quietly lowering them for months. Nobody in the campaign has asked for a thank-you.

Bananas Join Israel Egg Prices as a National Security Threat

Then there are the bananas.

Bananas are grown in tropical regions, shipped enormous distances, unloaded at ports, transported by truck and distributed through retail networks.

A complicated international supply chain, certainly.

But the campaign advertisement has simplified it beautifully.

Apparently, bananas cost too much because Israel receives American weapons.

This raises important questions.

Does the Israeli Air Force control banana ripening?

Are American aircraft carriers secretly transporting fruit?

Has the Pentagon established a classified Banana Command?

Somewhere in Central America, a banana farmer is checking the weather, examining fertilizer costs and wondering why his harvest has become part of a Michigan Senate election.

Picture the conversation at the supermarket.

“Why are these bananas so expensive?”

“Israel.”

“What about the avocados?”

“Israel.”

“And the watermelons?”

“Don’t ask questions. We’re trying to win Michigan.”

At this rate, the next progressive advertisement will accuse Netanyahu of personally squeezing orange juice until it reaches $9 a carton.

The man must be exhausted.

Between running a country, conducting foreign policy and setting prices at every Aldi in the Midwest, he apparently hasn’t had a day off in years.

Israel Egg Prices Blamed for Free Healthcare in Tel Aviv

The advertisement contains an even more astonishing economic revelation.

The grocery-shopping couple speculates that Americans are paying for Israel’s universal healthcare system.

The woman qualifies the claim with one magnificent word:

“Probably.”

Probably.

That is now apparently the standard of evidence required to run an American political campaign.

The moon is made of cheese. Probably.

Elvis is running a diner in Kalamazoo. Probably.

Your expensive car insurance finances the Norwegian navy. Probably.

In reality, Israel’s universal healthcare system is financed primarily through Israeli health taxes and government funding, as the Commonwealth Fund’s healthcare system profile explains.

American military assistance doesn’t work as a payment plan for Israeli doctor visits.

Nevertheless, the advertisement has uncovered an exciting new system of public finance in which Americans purchase eggs and Israelis receive colonoscopies.

Perhaps Congress should investigate.

Picture Michigan taxpayers discovering that every time someone in Tel Aviv gets a flu shot, a family in Flint loses a banana.

One more development and the progressive movement will demand that Israeli dentists return the money Michigan residents spent on toothpaste.

Israel Egg Prices and the $3.8 Billion Rounding Error

According to the Congressional Research Service, the regular U.S. military assistance commitment to Israel is approximately $3.8 billion annually, although Congress has approved substantial additional assistance during wartime.

The federal government spent more than $7 trillion last fiscal year.

Apparently, the $3.8 billion is the amount causing all the trouble.

The other $7 trillion has been behaving beautifully.

In the new progressive mathematics, removing roughly five-hundredths of one percent of federal spending will fix the remaining 99.95 percent of America’s economic problems.

Divided among approximately 340 million Americans, that regular annual commitment equals about $11 per person per year.

Three cents a day.

For that staggering amount, Americans could finally afford a house, a car, college tuition, medical insurance and perhaps a vacation in Florida.

Assuming they saved for a few thousand centuries.

A Michigan couple struggling to afford a $300,000 house could theoretically apply their $11 annual savings toward the down payment. At that rate the house alone takes roughly twenty-seven thousand years.

The bank would undoubtedly be impressed.

“Congratulations. At this rate, you can qualify for the mortgage shortly after the sun burns out.”

Israel Egg Prices Hit American Defense Workers

There’s another complication.

Much American military assistance to Israel finances the purchase of American-made military equipment, as documented by the Council on Foreign Relations.

That means American companies build equipment, American workers manufacture components, and American engineers design systems.

The assistance still costs taxpayers money, of course. Nobody gets a free fighter jet merely because it comes with an American manufacturer’s warranty.

But according to the advertisement’s economic philosophy, eliminating those purchases would somehow make Michigan workers richer.

This is a fascinating theory.

Try telling an American factory worker that the government is going to stop buying equipment from his employer so he can afford groceries.

Unfortunately, he will no longer have a paycheck.

But the bananas should be spectacular.

Perhaps the next advertisement will show an unemployed machinist explaining that his family is delighted to have lost its income because at least the grocery bill has been morally improved.

The children can eat principles.

They’re gluten-free.

Michigan Potholes Join the Israel Egg Prices Blame List

Once you accept that Israel determines grocery prices, there’s no reason to stop with groceries.

Michigan has potholes.

Thousands of them.

Some are so large motorists should obtain fishing licenses before attempting to cross.

The roads freeze, thaw, crack and collapse. Local governments debate infrastructure budgets while residents sacrifice tires and suspensions to the asphalt gods.

Naturally, this is Israel’s fault.

The theory opens an exciting opportunity for the Michigan Department of Transportation.

Instead of repairing roads, officials can establish a new Bureau of International Pothole Relations.

When residents complain about a crater on Interstate 75, the department can explain that repairs are impossible until Congress stops military assistance overseas.

Minutes from a recent meeting of a west Michigan county road commission show the idea has already been tested:

Item 4. Motion to attribute the Interstate 75 pothole to Israel. Seconded. Discussion: Commissioner asked whether this changes the asphalt budget. Answer: No. Motion carried, 5 to 0.

Item 5. Lunch.

The same principle applies to Detroit’s property taxes.

Michigan’s automobile insurance premiums.

College tuition.

Electric bills.

The fact that a used pickup truck now costs more than your grandfather paid for his first house.

All Israel.

A Michigan father who spent $18,000 replacing his roof can finally stop blaming hail, insurance costs and the contractor.

The culprit has been identified.

Unfortunately, Jerusalem doesn’t accept roofing claims.

Supply and Demand Loses to the Israel Egg Prices Theory

Historically, economists have explained prices through supply and demand.

If supply falls while demand remains strong, prices often rise.

If businesses face higher costs, they may pass those costs on to consumers.

It isn’t always simple, but at least it has the advantage of occasionally explaining what happens in the real world.

The new economic method is much more efficient.

First, identify something expensive.

Second, locate a country you dislike.

Third, draw an arrow between them.

Congratulations. You’re now an economic adviser.

Under this system, the federal government could abolish the Bureau of Labor Statistics.

Instead of collecting price data, researchers would simply ask voters which foreign country they were angriest about that morning.

Inflation would become an emotional condition.

If voters dislike Israel, Israel caused inflation.

If voters dislike China, China caused inflation.

If voters dislike Canada, maple syrup caused the housing shortage.

And if voters dislike Congress, economists would have to acknowledge the uncomfortable possibility that they were finally getting somewhere.

Democrats Seek Unity While Israel Egg Prices Intervene

The advertisement’s greatest accomplishment, however, may not be economic.

It may be political.

Michigan Democrats desperately wanted to defeat Republican Mike Rogers.

So an outside progressive group supporting Abdul El-Sayed released a grocery-store advertisement that helped reignite a bitter feud between El-Sayed and defeated Democratic primary opponent Haley Stevens.

El-Sayed’s campaign said it had nothing to do with the advertisement. It did not condemn it either, which critics noticed. The Anti-Defamation League called the spot a case study in antisemitic scapegoating, and a Democratic congressman demanded El-Sayed publicly condemn it.

Stevens, meanwhile, conditioned a joint church appearance with El-Sayed on him condemning the ad. Rogers posted on X, “Condemn the ad, Abdul.”

Then Stevens’ fiancé announced he planned to vote for Rogers.

Yes.

A Democratic unity event required terms and conditions, and one Democratic household had already picked the other side.

Republicans normally have to spend millions persuading Democrats to vote Republican.

This time, Democrats supplied the advertising, the controversy and, in at least one living room, the first vote.

Mike Rogers must have wondered whether to send Rebellion PAC a thank-you card or a fruit basket.

Probably not bananas.

They’re politically sensitive.

The Democratic Party’s unity operation had become so successful that its main event was a church service with a list of preconditions.

Church is traditionally a place where people seek forgiveness.

In Michigan, it had apparently become a place where Democrats negotiate the sermon.

Egg Prices Still Set by Hens, Feed and Flu

Of course, there’s a serious economic question beneath the grocery-store circus.

Americans can reasonably debate whether their government should spend billions on foreign military assistance.

Some voters want the money spent domestically. Others believe supporting allies advances American security interests.

Those are legitimate political disagreements.

But blaming a particular foreign country for Americans’ grocery bills isn’t a serious explanation of inflation.

You can oppose Israeli government policies without pretending Jerusalem operates the produce department at Meijer.

And consider what the advertisement conveniently ignores.

Congress controls spending.

The Federal Reserve influences monetary conditions.

State and local governments levy taxes and regulate industries.

Energy costs affect transportation.

Agricultural conditions influence food production.

But these explanations have one enormous political disadvantage.

They require American politicians to discuss American decisions.

Much easier to blame Israel.

Or Brazil.

Or Switzerland.

Or whichever country happens to be unpopular with the campaign’s social media department.

By the next presidential cycle, Americans may encounter an advertisement explaining that the national debt was caused by Luxembourg.

The sequel will reveal that high mortgage rates are controlled by a Swedish furniture company.

Meanwhile, the typical Michigan family will keep paying real money for real groceries, real gasoline and real housing.

And somewhere in Washington, an actual budget analyst will be trying to explain that rearranging foreign military expenditures does not automatically cause the price of eggs to collapse.

Nobody will listen.

The television advertisement already explained everything.

The final economic lesson is simple:

A chicken lays an egg.

A farmer sells the egg.

A truck delivers the egg.

A grocery store prices the egg.

An American consumer buys the egg.

And a progressive political consultant, having contributed absolutely nothing to this process, explains that the entire thing is Israel’s fault.

For the first time in agricultural history, the chicken is the smartest participant in the political discussion.

At least she knows where the egg came from.

Five Observations on Israel Egg Prices

1. Seven dollars. That’s what they said they’re setting aside. I’ve never set aside seven dollars for anything. I lose seven dollars in the couch and call it a Tuesday.
2. Eggs come from a chicken. That’s the whole supply chain. It’s the one thing in the store with a one-ingredient origin story, and we still found a way to make it about the Middle East.
3. They ran the ad for a thousand dollars. A thousand! I spent more than that on a tractor part the size of a sandwich, and the tractor part wasn’t even trying to explain geopolitics.
4. They blamed the bananas. Bananas! The one food that comes with its own wrapper and a built-in warning label. You can’t get a banana to ripen on your schedule. Not Jerusalem, not the Pentagon, nobody. It’s just yellow chaos.
5. A Democrat’s fiancé is voting Republican, the unity event has terms and conditions, and the whole thing started over breakfast. That’s not a campaign. That’s Thanksgiving.

Sources

• JNS: Ad for El-Sayed blaming rising grocery costs on Israel
• Jerusalem Post: El-Sayed campaign disavows PAC ad
• Jewish Insider: Haley Stevens conditions support for El-Sayed
• States Newsroom: Stevens sets conditions for unity event
• FOX Business: Egg prices plunge as avian flu impact eases
• USDA Economic Research Service: Food Price Outlook
• Congressional Research Service: U.S. Foreign Aid to Israel
• Council on Foreign Relations: U.S. Aid to Israel in Four Charts
• Commonwealth Fund: Israel health system profile

Rebellion PAC, the group founded by Cenk Uygur, released the grocery-store ad in support of Michigan Democratic Senate nominee Abdul El-Sayed, who faces Republican Mike Rogers. El-Sayed’s campaign said it had no part in making the ad. Rep. Haley Stevens, who lost the Democratic primary to El-Sayed, conditioned a joint appearance with him at a Detroit church on his condemning it.

More political comedy awaits at The London Prat.

Auf Wiedersehen, amigo!